meaningful relationships

as i was reading my previous blog, i realized that i had not been very fair to los angeles. it isn't an easy city to live in sometimes, but the difficulty in building new relationship isn't about the city so much as it is about age. as we get older, it's harder to get close to people. that's a fact. so, as i'm complaining, i think it's only fair to also admit that i have been lucky. since being in los angeles, i’ve met 3 people that i have made a genuine connection with. each one special in it's own way - but all equally meaningful.

one of them, just makes me laugh on command. i know that i love to laugh a lot as it is, but i am just so damned happy and goofy around him. the best part was that it was more than just silliness, we opened up to each other, talked to each other, cared about each other. we became instant friends. i met them about a year and a half after moving to los angeles. and they reminded me that there are people here to connect with, people that share my perpectives. he used to say that we knew how to play together. he was my "non gay best friend" my will truman so to speak. i can't even tell you how many great philosophical conversations we had, with differing opinions, but always ending in laughter. recently, he's become involved in a "relationship" and understandably, his priorities have changed. and as much as i miss “us” – i am so damned happy for him.

the second person changed my life. he opened me up to new ideas, new perspectives – made me recognize a part of myself that i never knew existed. this person taught me about literature, art, philosophy and most of all – reminded me what it was like to experience something or someone with your soul, not just with your heart or your mind. this person exposed me to a world and a lifestyle that I may not have ever known. he (successfully) encouraged me to write and paint and to not be afriad to try everything - good or bad. he made me feel good about myself and gave me the courage to go outside my comfort zone. and the best lesson? to live, to love and to do it all with passion and conviction. why like when you can love?

besides bringing depth into my life, he also taught me how to appreciate the simple things in life. he made me walk in the rain. he made me do things on a whim. he made me confront my own feelings and insecurities. at one point, i thought that i was in love with him. i realized later that i was in love with the idea of him and everything that he represented that i was missing from my life. but from the moment we met, i always knew in my heart – that it wouldn’t be forever. he's a total free spirit in every sense of the word. any sort of grounding or tie - just wouldn't be him. we are still friends, and we do talk every so often, but as much as “distance makes the heart grow fonder,” sometimes it’s more like “out of sight, out of mind.” there are so many times when i've missed his company, missed his spontaneity, and his energy. but what he brought to my life, no one can take away and i can never thank him enough for that.

this third person, is yet another different scenario. we have this spark between us (a platonic one), that just keeps us on blazing. we have this crazy banter, that is noticeable to just about anyone who spends about an hour with us, and i absolutely love that people see that. but on a deeper level, i trust this person and i have a tremendous amount of respect for their opinion. though we disagree, we are also able to communicate with each other and we always resolve our differences, and it's probably one of the most mature relationships i've ever had. don't get me wrong, we have our share of hurt and drama, but upon reflection - i always know that at the end of it all, we care about each other, we look out for one another, and the constructive criticism - comes from genuine concern, not malice.

i know that i have made significant changes in my personality and perpective because of this friend, and again, it's because i have so much trust in our friendship. the best part of it, is that there's unbelievable balance. for every difference we have, there's an equal commonality. and there's this wierd connection, that i just can't explain. people have referred to us as a "when harry met sally" syndrome. honestly, i don't think that it does justice to our friendship, because it's not about underlying romantic issues. we have unknowingly built a very strong foundation of friendship based on trust and understanding, that is so much more than sexual tension or romantic possibilities. like i said, there's just this connection that we have to each other that is so rare and so unexplainable. i think my only fear is that once one of us starts to date someone, our relationship will inevitably change. because our relationship just isn't something that's easily understood by others, and i can't imagine a significant other being okay with either of us maintaining a friendship like this. i have to admit, it scares me. i want both of us to each find our "one" - but i'm terrified of how it will change our relationship. but i guess, like with anything else - we must adapt.

so, i guess what i'm trying to say right now is that as bitter as i am about aspects of los angeles and the lack of some meaningful relationships - i have to appreciate the ones that have meant a lot - the one's that changed me, and the ones that i will always cherish. and i learned last year, after a close friend passed away, that i never want to take anything for granted. and i am a better person because these people were in my life and i guess 3 people in almost 6 years of living in los angeles, really ain't that bad, huh?

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

Every possession and every happiness is but lent by chance for an uncertain time, and may therefore be demanded back the next hour. ~Arthur Schopenhauer