when harry met sally

okay - who hasn't had a platonic relationship that wasn't compared to Harry's and Sally's? so the basic question here is. . . can men and women be friends? personally, i believe it's possible. but there are definitely two schools of thought here:

some people believe that sexual tension/ attraction will always get in the way. i can't even begin to tell you how many people have told me that no man can be friends with a woman unless he's ultimately trying to get in her pants. these are the same people that believe in the inevitability of the famous scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where Harry is comforting a very distraught Sally and they end up having sex. but, just because sexual tension exists, doesn't mean it exists in every relationship. and i'm sure that if we really sat down to think about it, we each have friends that we are in no way attracted to. so - possible? absolutely.

then, there are others (like myself) that categorize opposite sex relationships as "romantic" or "friend." call me crazy, but i just don't think that meeting a man and getting to know him means that it has to lead somewhere in particular. i read a quote somewhere that said - maybe God meant for us to meet as many people as possible so that when we meet the right ones, we can appreciate them. the truth is that my beliefs come from the sheer fact that i have had a lot of male friends. initially, they came from situations where a romantic angle was just not possible. (my friends' ex-boyfriends, my boyfriends' friends, family members of people i dated) so when those relationships were successful and stood the test of time, i kept with it.

this is not to say that it's always a possibility. it has to be clear from the conception of the friendship. boundaries have to be clear and honesty has to exist. you can't try to be friends with someone, while secretly hoping that they will fall in love with you - and then call it a true friendship. we all know that it happens. my point here is that it's possible, if handled correctly.

opposite sex friendships have so many advantages, that it's so shocking that more people don't believe in them.

for women, female relationships are very complicated. you can't just have a glass of wine and watch "Bridges of Madison County" without having an in depth discussion about the man that could have been the one or the asshole that cheated on you. female relationships usually require an exchange of intimate information. also, if the upcoming One Day Sale at Bloomingdales, the newest purse from LV, a 2 hour gossip session on who slept with who, or the neighborhood nail salon don't have your heart skipping a beat - the bonding with a female is even more work - because it's just that much harder to find common ground. the biggest problem - jealousy and competition are so prevalent within women that it's scary. i just haven't been able to figure out why woman's lack of confidence is so easily expressed and just seems to ooze out of them, while men are so much more passive. so when a woman is spending time with a male friend, you can just hang out and do nothing. you can watch a movie and actually watch the movie. there are not as many expectations or responsibilities.

for men, it's fairly common for men to feel uncomfortable sharing personal problems or intimate issues with another man. it's unheard of within some ethnicities. however, a man can talk to a woman about his insecurities, hurt feelings, and avoidable mistakes. it's okay to get emotional. but do that in front of the guys, and you are considered feminine.

for both, what better way to understand the opposite sex?

okay, now for the exceptions.

i used to be very black and white on this. but as i've gotten older, i've realized that there's a lot of grey i didn't anticipate. ultimately, don't we all want our significant other to be our best friend? does it really matter which comes first? but i think, just like with anything else - there are so many other circumstances that must be considered. sometimes, it works. other times you're just meant to be friends. but of course, complications are always inevitable. i would be lying if i said that no one had ever misread my intentions or vice versa.

personally, i've had problems with A LOT of my guy friends' girlfriends. some were due to my lack of effort - others, i truly believe were just due to insecurity. but recently, i think i've started to understand that insecurity a little better. i already know that once i get into a relationship - that it these guy friends will be an issue, mostly because the people that i am used to calling when i'm in crisis, or see something hysterical - can't be the same ones that i think to call first anymore.

when you're in a relationship, in order to give it a real chance, you have to commit to allowing this person to share in all your experiences initially. as the relationship progresses, you can learn to filter the things that they don't want to know. when you are used to having a will or a grace in your life; an element of codependency develops. that doesn't work well when you're starting a new relationship.

i've always said that i could never date anyone that expected me to give up my friends - male or female. don't get me wrong, i am not trying to be disrespectful. obviously, i know that there are certain boundaries, and new lines that have to be drawn. shared moments that used to be okay, may not be. but i certainly don't expect someone that i love to sacrifice their friends for me, so i expect the same from them. the bottom line is that it's about trust, and a faith in the mutual respect of each other. if you don't have either one of those, you don't have a relationship to begin with.

not to toot my own horn, but i think i'm a pretty cool girlfriend. i have had so much exposure to the male psyche, since i always seem to be "one of the boys" - i don't find insecurity in a lot of things that many women do. not that i'm saying that i don't have issues, we all do. but understanding some of the guy issues, makes it easier for me to relate to a significant other. and none of this would be possible without guy friends.