independent women

i'd like to think that i am a typical independent woman. i speak my mind, i support myself financially and as much as i can emotionally. i try to go after the things i want, and try to accomplish things for myself.

i find it difficult to find a balance sometimes. i want to be independent. but at the same time - i have to admit, i want to be able to depend on someone sometimes too. wait, you know what, i want someone in my life that i can depend on ALL THE TIME. i love needing someone. damn, it feels so good to have something as simple as a kiss or a hug wipe away all the negativity of a bad day. i need someone to reassure me when i'm insecure and remind me about all the great things in life that i should appreciate. i want a "biggest fan." i want someone else to help me make decisions. as much as i question things (mostly out of curiosity) - i love the idea of trusting someone enough to just be able to say "ok, i'll do it." last but not least, i want to feel safe.

so my question now is - because i want and need all these things, does this make me any less independent? i guess i don't HAVE to have any of these things. i can still function. my life will still go on. but does the mere act of desiring these things in another person make me dependent?

there was an incident lately as a friend's party. one of the guys there got a bit out of hand, and was acting sort of strange. it made me feel really uncomfortable, and i did my best to avoid it. apparantly i was not the only female that felt a little wierd about his behaviour. at the end of the night he actually came at me and kissed me on the mouth. for some people, that may not be strange, but considering that i've hung out with this person several times, and he has never done that - i thought it was wierd. also the fact that i felt that he was almost stalking me all night - and there are some pictures to prove that - made things even more bizarre.

well, afterwards - a couple of people talked to me about it. it was a strange mixture of comments. one of the other girls at the party made it a point to tell the host of the party, which is also a close friend of mine, he "jokingly" said - are you sure it's not serena harrassing him?" he later explained that he was kidding, but i have to admit - it bothered me. i always believe that people's initial reactions are their true reactions. ok - so i'm friendly and i can be flirtatious. but i don't think that it means that i welcome creepy behavior. (doesn't this also go back to the old misconception about flritation women encouraging a rapist? ok a bit dramatic, but still applicable).

i was especially bothered by it, because in this particular case - i was trying to be polite. i was trying to avoid making the guy feel embarrassed. and truthfully, i wasn't really sure how to handle it. when a stranger gets a little bit out of line, it's easy - you tell them politely once, then you get mean. but when it's someone you know, someone that is good friends with your friends, what is the appropriate way to handle it?

a couple of other people said that they knew i could take care of myself. again, is it because i am a bit more outspoken and maybe more aggressive? does that mean in a situation where two people are being bullied (me being one of them), that the other person is more deserving of help? that just doesn't seem right. no matter how strong i am percieved to be, i'd like to know that someone is looking out for me too. is that wrong?

so if i were to take all this into consideration - basically, i should stop being so damned friendly. and if i'm ever in a sticky situation - well, i guess i'm pretty much on my own? is that the insight that i should gain from this? or is the true lesson here that even if i'm only independent in some aspects of my life - i better pretend not to be, or else be left to fend for myself?

sorry, either way - i just can't pretend. i am independent, but i also have vulnerabilities. i guess i just need to make sure that i'm around people who are willing to look deeper to find that out.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss