actions do speak louder than words

it's so interesting that people can spend time with someone for months or maybe even years, and realize much later that their perception of that person is totally off. well, if you base everything on what people tell you, you'll never really get to know them. but the truth is, you can get to know someone in a matter of days - if you are really trying to understand them. it's all about their actions. all too often, i think we miss all these subtle indications of character.

a few examples:

1) road rage - (this one is especially critical for us angelinos) how someone handles road rage tells me about their temper and their range of temper. does this person just basically curse the shit out of someone, or try to get out of the car and beat them up? do they keep going on and on about it after the person that (might have innocently) cut them off is long gone? or do they forget about it quickly?

2) someone's sense of humor speaks volumes. is this someone that can laugh at themselves while others laugh at them? do they mind occasionally being the butt of someone's jokes? when people are lighthearted, you know that you don't have to be extra sensitive, and more importantly, you know you don't have to watch what you say. i also think it shows confidence and a strong sense of who they are. people who tend to get upset easily at jokes, are usually not much fun to be around, in my opinion.

3) eye contact is a big one. if someone doesn't look you in the eye when they talk to you, or even seemingly avoids direct eye contact - it's a bad sign to me. also, if you're in a conversation, pay attention if they're really looking at you or constantly looking around.

4) the restaurant check. this is a big one. i'll let you formulate your own ideas. but the big questions: do they offer to pay? do they immediately assume that it will be dutch? how often do they offer to pay? even if you've already said that it was your treat, do they offer to pay for the tip or maybe parking?

5) drunken behavior - there's generally two schools of thought - that people don't have a clue what they're doing when they're drunk, or that since they lose all their inhibitions - what they say or do is what they really want to say or do. ( i think this topic alone is deserving of it's own future blog)

6) treatment towards friends & family - obviously, it's hard to observe the way someone is around family - b/c most of us don't get to see that. but, how someone treats their friends says a lot to me. their level of loyalty, their efforts to go beyond expectations, willingness to be inconvenienced, and mostly what is done that goes unsaid (because to me, it's when people do the things without needing recognition, that matters most).

7) overall demeaner and mannerisms - this one is a bit subjective. however, i've always felt more comfortable around people that look comfortable, people that smile a lot, people that are social (but sincere) and mostly people that just look happy. never underestimate body language or facial expressions. come on, we've all seen those people at parties that look like they're not having fun, then someone walks up, and BAM - there comes the fake smile.

so, these are just some basic obvious signs for people that you don't know. but what about the people in your life that you can't quite read? how do you gauge the integrity of people in your life that have been there forever? what do you know about their character?

well, for a lot of people - those friends you've known for 10+ years - it's hard to really see them any differently than you've been seeing them. when that much time has passed, your perceptions are sort of already set - unless something big happens, because you've already resolved yourself to accept them. so these are tough.

but for me, living in LA for about 5 years now, i have found it quite difficult to trust my own instincts. i find it much more important to look for these subtle indications of character. sadly, i've been very wrong about people, which makes me a little more guarded than when i was in new orleans. and i can honestly say that i've only really connected with a handful of people since i've moved. some, you just knew you'd be friends forever. a few people, i knew were just passing through. the rest, the jury's still out.

but as i get to know people better, people that have passed that initial filter - i have other things i look for. do they keep their word? do they mean what they say? do they keep their promises or are they just the type of people that love to make grand verbal gestures? so much of los angeles is about meeting "the one" - well, when it comes down to impressing someone of the opposite sex, or being there for a friend - which comes first? if you have double booked yourself, what is your priority? what is their formula for a "good time?" are they high maintenance? ok - so the list could go on.

basically, i guess all i'm saying is that i still believe in the old saying "actions speak louder than words" - because when you feel that you are being taken for granted or someone you care about has hurt you - sometimes what they say to you really doesn't mean shit if what they do says something different.

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. - Abraham Lincoln

In great affairs men show themselves as they wish to be seen; in small things they show themselves as they are. - Nicholas Chamfort