my first angry blog

this doesn’t happen often, but i’m angry. i’m bitter. and i’m disappointed.

there’s so much about los angeles that i love. but the longer i live here, the more i realize how much i hate the people here sometimes. i’ve always believed myself to be a good judge of character and always trusted my own instincts. but in the last 5 years of being in los angeles, i’ve been consistently proved wrong. so many new encounters - never end up being what i expect. a lot of the experiences i have, that i think I will always remember – end up being a mirage. i never thought that being idealistic was a bad thing, until now.

i just don’t understand what it is about this city that somehow manages to make things ugly and selfish. i don’t think i’ve ever met this many people who are so freaking self-centered and shallow, it’s starting to make me sick. it’s one of those places that no matter how real you try to be, it’s inevitable that you are changed by it. how long is someone supposed to walk among masks without starting to believe that they should wear one too?

a friend of mine was talking to me about this improv class he’s taking. he was telling me that improv wasn’t about being funny – it’s about being real and having true reactions. how ironic, that there needs to be a class for that.

this city is so much about the right look, the right friends, the right car, the right job, the right significant other. but who decides what’s right? what if all the “right” things are wrong for you? the most comical part of it? most of the "right" things people have - really aren't anything. i cannot tell you how many people i've met that drive a luxury car and share a 2 bedroom apartment with 4 other people. or others who wear designer clothes, but drive a hoopdee. again, where are the priorities?

like I said, I used to trust my own instincts. i used to always think positive – believe the best in people. but the truth is that i’ve been so wrong, and so disappointed, how can i keep staying positive? remember the old saying - "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me?" relationships just don’t seem permanent to people. friendships seem to be formed from need, ego, convenience, and selfishness and they all seem to be so short-sighted. what happened to conversation? trust? sincerity? genuine concern? true friendship? acceptance? patience? a friend of mine told me that he didn't want too many friends. ironically, he grew up in LA. me, i'm not from LA and i used to think that one could never have enough friends. time to seriously rethink that one.

don’t get me wrong – i’m not saying that everyone in los angeles is like this. i have met some really great people. and there are people who are genuine and thoughtful. although, some of those relationships are special too, few are deep and meaningful. it’s not something conscious. there are just some people in your life that you connect with and unfortunately - many you just don't. it’s not done with intention. it just is what it is.

i know this is a bit of venting, and it's really not that bad. i'm just reacting to some recent disturbing events. ultimately, i'm just tired of seeing all these people around me trying so hard to be something else. i know that all of us have role models, or maybe some idea of how we want to be. but i really believe that at the end of the day - our souls are the way they are. you can't change that. so why try so hard? i believe that the biggest responsibility that we each have is to live good lives, help people when we can, try not to hurt people or take advantage and above all never take anything for granted.

maybe my problem is that i care too little about what other people think. i like to have fun, and i do get carried away. and when people judge me for it, i get pissed. when i'm starting to get to know people, i think i'm pretty sincere and real. i speak my mind, and though i know that i could probably "play the game" better with men, i prefer to be myself. it's mind boggling to watch a women feign helplessness. it's even more disgusting to watch men run to their rescue. so, maybe that's why i haven't found my counterpart. maybe i'm not playing the demure, coy and high-maintenance part well enough. i think the problem is that i'm an extremely codependent person. i like to feel needed too. is that bad?

why is it so freaking hard to have a meaningful relationship now? I’m not even talking about love, my god don’t even get me started on that. it’s just so damned hard not to be cynical, not to hold back, not to be more guarded. but that’s not the way I want to live or love. but it just seems that here in los angeles, it’s the only way to keep from getting constantly dissappointed and hurt. because sometimes, the peaks just don’t makeup for the valleys anymore.

but at the end of the day, i think i just want to fight this bitterness. maybe it's stupid to set myself up for dissappointment. but i just refuse to be changed by this city and its lack of depth. i know, i need to grow up. but what a sad correlation. growing up means to stop believing in the best in people? okay - so blind faith may be a ridiculous thing to have. but, damn if i'll give up that easily. guess it's shame on me.

Reason is our soul's left hand, Faith her right. ~John Donne

In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. ~Blaise Pascal