a metaphor

Week One

We found a house, a simple 4-room house with huge windows, one we both feel connection to, one we both feel drawn too. You see the potential, but I’m pretty hesitant. But of course, once you walk me through, and show me what you see, I love it. The walls in all the rooms are bleach white. There is no energy there, we know we can fill it. We both see the possibilities. We will paint it together, room by room. If we mess up, we’ll start over. If we don’t like what we see, we’ll repaint it. If we get tired, we’ll rest. But we will start to paint. It’s not going to be easy, it takes time.

Week Two

We start to paint. You choose a shade of blue, and I choose a bright shade of yellow. They look strange separate, but together, they create the most beautiful green. We don’t discuss it, we don’t plan it, it just becomes the most unbelievable shade of green that we have ever seen. It makes us feel peaceful, fulfilled, free, amazed, and complete. We paint the first wall together, it is perfection – not only because the colors come together so well – but because we painted it together.

It’s hard to get finished though, because we can’t paint all the time. We have other obligations: work, family, friends. Nevertheless, we start on the second wall. But then your arm starts to hurt, I find you a cast. But it isn’t strong enough. You say you need to rest, to recover. I don’t want to stop painting, but don’t want to paint without you. So we stop.

Week Three

Your arm feels better, but you don’t want to paint in our room for awhile. You want to paint a room on your own. You think that we should each paint a room of our own. So we do. We each paint one wall in our own rooms. You think your room looks good, I don’t like mine – it looks OK, because I keep looking back, comparing it to “our” room, it just isn’t what I want. You check up on me every once in awhile. Every once in awhile, you ask for my help and I come and help you with your room.

However, I keep going back to our room, hoping that you’ll be there painting. But I don’t see you. Meanwhile, I see that you are always repainting your room, over and over again. So while I wait, I go to our room and I start painting alone, and I think that if I keep going with my color, that you can come back and add your color in when you’re ready and it will still be beautiful. So I paint, inch by inch. Sometimes when I come back after resting, I see that you’ve been there. I see that you have tried to help me finish that second wall in your own way, your own time. I feel so relieved, because it means that you still see the same beauty, feel the same unwavering connection. But, you never stay. You come and go. But it’s OK with me, because I can wait, as long as you are still painting little by little. Because though we’re painting separately in our own way, our amazing color is still the same.

Week Four

I go back in the room. There are two walls painted. But now the room looks strange. There is 1 complete wall, 1 not totally finished, and 2 bleach white ones. The room looks worse because it isn’t complete, looks irregular, not proportional. You seem to like it that way, but I need balance. I need to finish it. It becomes so hard for me to keep going back into the room because I feel sad that you don’t want to finish it as much as I do. I also start to wonder why we can’t paint together anymore, why do we have to paint separately? I still have hope, I still go back in every once in awhile, and try to paint a little on my own. Sometimes I see that you’ve been there. Sometimes I see that you haven’t been there in awhile. But I feel hurt, because I don’t think you care about our room anymore. Maybe I’m being selfish, only thinking of myself.

Week Five

I become desperate. I don’t want to paint alone, and I can’t understand why you don’t want to paint with me anymore. But, I never ask why. I never ask. I just thought it didn’t matter to you anymore. I can’t even finish my own room, because I can’t stop thinking about “our” room. But I never ask you. I don’t want to ruin your concentration on your own room. It’s OK, we have started this painting and if we don’t finish, it’s OK, at least we began together, created together, believed in the possibilities together. It’s still there, we can still look at it whenever we want. But as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to see the beauty of “our” color because it’s been so long since we painted together.

I’m still lonely. So I ask someone else to come and help me paint. I don’t want them in our rooms, so we start on the hallways, the ones that connect our rooms. Except, the colors they paint don’t look right. They’re dark, and they look weird, out of place. But the problem is that I can’t fix it, I can’t paint over it, I can’t repaint it. It’s so dark that no matter what I do, I can’t fix it. And I don’t know how to ask this person to leave and stop painting, I can’t blame them because I let them in, I gave them a brush, and let them paint in our house, foolishly.

Week Six

You see the hallway, and you’re angry. How could I let someone else into our house? But you still see the possibilities, you haven’t forgotten. You take a look at those dark hallways, and you know they can be fixed. They should be fixed, because they are only hallways, so the house is not ruined, because the rooms are still OK. As I watch you try to fix the hallway, I start to remember how wonderful it was to paint together. I hand you the brushes, the paints, I hold the ladder for you… so pleased that we are in the same part of the house again. You tell me that you want to go back to painting our room. You apologize for going to your own room for so long. You ask me why I didn’t tell you how lonely I was. Why didn’t I remind you to finish our room? Why did I ask someone else for help before asking you? I don’t know why. I get upset. You get angry. You don’t want to fix the hallway anymore. You want to leave it there. You don’t even want to be in the house anymore.

Everyone tells me to leave too. The house is not healthy. You will never help me paint those other rooms. Your own room is more important. They tell me that I will only be disappointed, hurt, burned. But, I don’t care.

Week Seven

We decide to try to get back to painting. Maybe we should get back to our own rooms, and then finish up the other hallways. But you don’t want to go back to “our” room anymore. It doesn’t look the same anymore, but you still want to work on the rest of the house. But it’s hard for me. I want to see the whole house finished, just so that we can see how we feel about the finished project. I know it won’t be perfect, but it will be “ours.” I keep walking past “our” room, so sad that I messed up, but not knowing what to do, it now has 1 beautiful complete wall, a half finished wall with both our colors, 1 wall of only my color and one bleach white wall.

No matter what, our house is still there. I want to live in it, whether it is finished or not. We have our own rooms, we have a room that we started together, and we still have one more empty room to paint. I will keep trying to fix that hallway. I will keep painting my own room. And I will be there to help you paint yours, no matter how many times you want to repaint it. But I can’t paint those other two rooms without you.

imprisoned

he is a prisoner - trapped in a deep, dark abyss, calling to me unconciously. i hear his voice, though no words have been spoken. searching for him, drawn mysteriously by his intense spirit, i fall and find him, an astonishing man - filled with love and despair.

we share our dreams, our fears and our hopes. as i pull myself out of the darkness, i want him to come with me, and show me the world through his eyes and experience the beauty of the world that he has forgotten. he says that it's hopeless - liberation from his captivity is impossible.

i manage to come out of the abyss. there are people all around, but no one is trying to help. i am bewildered. i desperately search for rope, and throw it down to him. it is a strong rope, one that i know will not unravel. grabbing the rope, he slowly starts to pull himself up.

with all my strength, i pull as hard as i can from the other end, only i am not strong enough. exhausted, i start to lose my grip. the ropes have burned my hands so much that i am forced to let go.

he falls and takes the rope with him. discouraged and very angry, i realize that i have failed him. where i saw hope, there is now dissappointment. i beg him to try again, start over - we can do better. filled with overwhelming doubt and hesitation, he refuses.

despair gets the best of him. i plead with him to throw the rope back to me. but realize that i cannot promise that i will not fail him again - only that that i will try to hold on as long as i can. even if i don't have the strength to pull him up, i will never leave him alone.

he decides to try again, but we are both fearful. nevertheless, he starts to pull himself up again. only this time, he watches me closely, and every time he senses that i am tired or frustated - he lets go. he no longer trusts my sincerity or conviction.

as i wait for him, i slowly realize that his imprisonment is self-imposed. if i pull him out, he will inevitabley jump back in.

i look around again at the people nearby. i finally understand that they are merely waiting for him - eager but waiting. he seems to have convinced himself that he is happier alone, disillusioned in his well of solitude.

i am overcome by helplessness, i want him to be free, to walk with me. but he refuses my help. my head tells me that i need to move on, trying to convince myself that he doesn't want me there.

because my heart is stronger because it has been touched by his fervent passion and emotion, i decide to stay close to his dungeon. so that when he needs me, i can get to him quickly. he does call sometimes, but never wants to come out of his confinement. i do my best to check on him whenever i can - but i am fearful with every visit, that it will be the last..

poetry from my friends

this is some great poetry written by some close friends of mine, that i wanted to share:

I’m Sorry

If only you knew
What goes through
My mind, and heart, and soul.
Silence,
Has taken its toll.

“Thank yous” – unsaid
Guilt fed,
On that alone.
Where does one begin?

If only I knew
What holds true
With trial, and error, and trust.
Forgiveness,
A must!

Easier said than done,
Always,
Easier said than done.

I’m sorry,
I’m so sorry,
Is forever heard,

Cluttering up unused space,
In the “too late” valley,
of forever lost!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Untitled

She comes to me,
So innocent and free,
Like a wildflower
Or a form of estuary,
In my most humble of hour!

Persistent!
Connecting two tides together
Flowing, oh so flowing,
The rapid waters,
Of earnest endeavor.

The blue skies,
That cry,
Have always cried,
Shall soon fade away,

Along with all the sorrows
from yesterday.

As I write
through the night,
And, into the next day,

Thinking of you,
Missing you,
As, I now embrace,
Tomorrow!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kind Gentle Soul

kind gentle souls manifest themselves in many roles
perhaps to remind people who seek steep hills
that life could be much easier than this
i seek silhouettes of grace and deliverance
perchance to be touched beyond remembering
how I dug and climbed to reach this impending spot
where I could like without spite
delight me in ways like times past times prior
come if you want to
sing as you saunter
follow me to the holy spot I’ve brought you

thank you kind gentle souls
i rest in your hands
thoughtful of the times
i’ve rested in blind ignorance of mind and man
in your hands
in your hands

you know when these people come into your life,
often times it’s in a blink
of an eye.

great words

i was reading someone's profile in friendster (someone i just met this weekend) - and absolutely loved what they wrote in the "who i want to meet" section. i just had to share it. here it is:

"Genuine people with provocative thoughts and passionate pursuits. Those who possess the courage to challenge the status quo and those who elevate the game in others. I respect those who don't take talent for granted and can effortlessly balance intelligence with being humble. Be you. Be real."

ted tanouye

i went to see this documentary over the weekend - called "citizen tanouye." they basically filmed a group of students from torrance high school conducting a research project about ted tenouye, who was an alumni about to be honored with a monument at the school.

what i learned was so damned thought provoking that i still don't think that i have quite grasped how i really feel about it. like most people, i remember studying about world war II and that there were japanese-american families sent to live in internment camps after the bombing of pearl harbor. but honestly, that was the extent of what i remember.

my friend, being fourth generation japanese-american, has relatives that actually remember being sent to the internment camps, and it is a very important thing for him to raise awareness of what really happened. we've talked about it off and on, and when he mentioned going to see the film - i really wanted to see it too.

basically, ted tanouye was one of many japanese-american volunteers that fought in world war II, and was part of the 442nd regiment, which was the most decorated units for its size and length of service, in the entire history of the U.S. military. its members were all japanese-americans, many of whom volunteered even though their families were being persecuted and sent to live in internment camps. sadly, these soldiers that fought in WWII were not recognized until june of 2000, when bill clinton awarded 22 medals of honor to asian americans who fought in the war.

here's a little blurb on the US medal of honor:

"The Medal of Honor, established by Joint Resolution of Congress July 12, 1862 (amended by Act of July 9, 1918 and Act of July 25, 1963) is awarded in the name of Congress to a person who, while a member of the Armed Forces, distinguishes himself conspicuously by gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty while engaged in an action against any enemy of the United States, while engaged in military operations involving conflict with an opposing foreign force, or while serving with friendly foreign forces engaged in an armed conflict against an opposing armed force in which the United States is not a belligerent party. The deed performed must have been one of personal bravery or self-sacrifice so conspicuous as to clearly distinguish the individual above his comrades and must have involved risk of life. Incontestable proof of the performance of service is exacted and each recommendation for award of this decoration is considered on the standard of extraordinary merit. Eligibility is limited to members of the Armed Forces of the United States in active Federal military service."

and if you're interested, here is some more information about the 44rd regimental combat team:
http://www.goforbroke.org/history/history_historical_veterans_442nd.asp

aside from just the biographical information that the film presented about ted tanouye, the students also researched the sentiment and state of the US as the war began. i cannot begin to describe how horrible the whole ordeal was, and i am only just beginning to read about it. i can't even begin to imagine what it was like to live it.

basically, in 1942, FDR issued executive order 9066 to allow for the internment of japanese americans. the actual instructions were clearly spelled out in civilian exclusion order no. 5 - that removed all japanese americans from their homes along the west coast and relocated them to what they called "assembly centers" as the actual camps were built. in the southern california region, japanese americans were sent to live in the santa anita horse stables and given hay to use to make their own mattresses until the final relocation. (this site shows you both EO 9066 and CEO 5: http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/g_l/haiku/9066.htm).

people were yanked out of their homes, lost their businesses, and forced to live in these camps that were surrounded by barbed wire and guarded by soldiers like they were in prison. many families were separated, because many of the men were taken in for questioning and often detained without cause. the worst part of all this, is that many of these japanese americans genuinely lived the "american life" and were american citizens. that's why it was even more unbelievable that their sons volunteered to fight in the war for a country that was persecuting their parents. they wanted to so much to fight for the freedom that they cherished, while at the same time - trying to prove their loyalty to a country that considered their culture and their ethnicity to be a threat.

these families, who truly considered themselves japanese americans, and not just japanese - were treated like prisoners of war, for absolutely no reason but their heritage. sadly, this type of perpective still exists today.

there were so many issues that really provoked me to think. as much as we'd like to believe that the world we live in today is different, how much have things really changed? what was the deal with racial profiling? because of september 11, think about how people view most people of middle eastern descent. what about the issues now with north korea? how could that affect korean-americans? though we say that we often take our freedoms for granted, i think it's also important to realize that those freedoms are never guaranteed, and as long as their are political leaders that have other interests in mind, we can never truly have faith in our government. they can still be just as narrow-minded as we fear.

In a state-run society the government promises you security. But it's a false promise predicated on the idea that the opposite of security is risk. Nothing could be further from the truth. The opposite of security is insecurity, and the only way to overcome insecurity is to take risks. The gentle government that promises to hold your hand as you cross the street refuses to let go on the other side. ~Theodore Forstmann

tiesto

on saturday, i went with a group of friends to see Tiesto in concert. he's supposed be to the #1 ranked DJ in the country. i really have no idea who ranks it or what being #1 really means, since i'm not a huge fan of trance music. but i had a great time. we got floor tickets, so we were right smack in the middle of the craziness. a lot of the friends that i went with were familiar with his music and actually recognized some of the songs he played. for me, it was the experience of it that made me want to go. 13,000 people there to see one DJ spin - unbelievable, isn't it? (http://www.tiesto.com/)

i can't really describe the music too much except to say that it was memerizing and almost hypnotic after awhile. but the most interesting part of it was just the different types of people there. there was so much variety in age, ethinicity, and lifestyle - probably one of the best things about going to these types of events in los angeles. i was so caught up in the concert, i didn't even get as crazy as i wanted to, just for fear of missing something. i don't think i've ever stood and danced for 4 hours straight like that.

besides the actual music, i was actually surprised to see the actual special effects and performances. there were flames and sparkles that shot up on stage, along with acrobats, an actual person singing, and even Taiko drums, with confetti dropping as the finale. It was an amazing show, and worth every penny. (the pictures i took with my camera phone just don't to justice to the event)

when the whole rave culture started, i was still living in new orleans, and didn't get a real grasp of what it was about. as far as a i knew it was just a few thousand people taking ecstasy and getting affectionate - drinking lots of orange juice. being in los angeles now, i have had the occasion to go to a few of the trance clubs - circus (actually went there on gay night, before i moved to LA), arena, avalon and vanguard. the strangest thing was that each place i went to was unique in its own way. sometimes the music was different (george acosta, crystal method, sasha and deep dish), sometimes the people were different (if you ever go the the avalon in hollywood - it will totally trip you out to see people your parents' age rolling on ecstasy), but there was always this consistent love of the energy of the music. you definitely don't see that at a club playing hip hop music. again, between the laser lights, the constant thumping beat, the smooth transition of the speed of the beat and the beautiful melodies - it's very easy to lose yourself in the moment, even without illegal substances.

don't get me wrong - deep down inside - i still love dancing to hip hop. i grew up and started partying in the "tootsie roll" and "whoomp there it is" generation. but hip hop is about gettin down and dancing your ass off.

trance music is totally different, it's much more about the individual, and as much as the bump and grind style is hot, trance emulates a different type of sexuality - one that is much more sensual. the constant beat of the music, along with the way the DJs speed up the beat and then slow it down - definitely gives the audience a very erotic energy.i don't know, maybe i'm putting more thought into it.

i do have to admit though, that it has given me a new appreciation for music and what it does to people. i've never really been a music person. i listen to the radio, have a few favorite artists, and love to dance - but i can probably count on my hands the number of times that i have just sat in a room and listened to music. i think it's because i'm by nature a more visual than auditory person. my one passion though has always been for music that evoked an emotion. there are songs that make you feel jittery, music that makes you cry, music that makes you feel sexy . . .and then there's brittany spears and backstreet boys - hahaha. but i think that too often music is not given the credit it deserves. for many people, music is an expression of your deepest feelings and emotions. ironically, think about some of the most admired artists and not only how they lived, but how they died - Jim Morrison, Curt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix. what is it about music that can push you to such extremes. the hardest thing for me to understand was that their music was accepted, they were all at the height of their careers, widely accepted, and seemingly achieved everything they had hoped for, yet they chose to push their bodies and minds until there was no more life in them. definitely something to think about. what is it that people say about the candle that burns the brightest being the first to go out?

Music is what feelings sound like. ~Author Unknown

Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life. ~Ludwig van Beethoven

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo

In music the passions enjoy themselves. ~Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, 1886

meaningful relationships

as i was reading my previous blog, i realized that i had not been very fair to los angeles. it isn't an easy city to live in sometimes, but the difficulty in building new relationship isn't about the city so much as it is about age. as we get older, it's harder to get close to people. that's a fact. so, as i'm complaining, i think it's only fair to also admit that i have been lucky. since being in los angeles, i’ve met 3 people that i have made a genuine connection with. each one special in it's own way - but all equally meaningful.

one of them, just makes me laugh on command. i know that i love to laugh a lot as it is, but i am just so damned happy and goofy around him. the best part was that it was more than just silliness, we opened up to each other, talked to each other, cared about each other. we became instant friends. i met them about a year and a half after moving to los angeles. and they reminded me that there are people here to connect with, people that share my perpectives. he used to say that we knew how to play together. he was my "non gay best friend" my will truman so to speak. i can't even tell you how many great philosophical conversations we had, with differing opinions, but always ending in laughter. recently, he's become involved in a "relationship" and understandably, his priorities have changed. and as much as i miss “us” – i am so damned happy for him.

the second person changed my life. he opened me up to new ideas, new perspectives – made me recognize a part of myself that i never knew existed. this person taught me about literature, art, philosophy and most of all – reminded me what it was like to experience something or someone with your soul, not just with your heart or your mind. this person exposed me to a world and a lifestyle that I may not have ever known. he (successfully) encouraged me to write and paint and to not be afriad to try everything - good or bad. he made me feel good about myself and gave me the courage to go outside my comfort zone. and the best lesson? to live, to love and to do it all with passion and conviction. why like when you can love?

besides bringing depth into my life, he also taught me how to appreciate the simple things in life. he made me walk in the rain. he made me do things on a whim. he made me confront my own feelings and insecurities. at one point, i thought that i was in love with him. i realized later that i was in love with the idea of him and everything that he represented that i was missing from my life. but from the moment we met, i always knew in my heart – that it wouldn’t be forever. he's a total free spirit in every sense of the word. any sort of grounding or tie - just wouldn't be him. we are still friends, and we do talk every so often, but as much as “distance makes the heart grow fonder,” sometimes it’s more like “out of sight, out of mind.” there are so many times when i've missed his company, missed his spontaneity, and his energy. but what he brought to my life, no one can take away and i can never thank him enough for that.

this third person, is yet another different scenario. we have this spark between us (a platonic one), that just keeps us on blazing. we have this crazy banter, that is noticeable to just about anyone who spends about an hour with us, and i absolutely love that people see that. but on a deeper level, i trust this person and i have a tremendous amount of respect for their opinion. though we disagree, we are also able to communicate with each other and we always resolve our differences, and it's probably one of the most mature relationships i've ever had. don't get me wrong, we have our share of hurt and drama, but upon reflection - i always know that at the end of it all, we care about each other, we look out for one another, and the constructive criticism - comes from genuine concern, not malice.

i know that i have made significant changes in my personality and perpective because of this friend, and again, it's because i have so much trust in our friendship. the best part of it, is that there's unbelievable balance. for every difference we have, there's an equal commonality. and there's this wierd connection, that i just can't explain. people have referred to us as a "when harry met sally" syndrome. honestly, i don't think that it does justice to our friendship, because it's not about underlying romantic issues. we have unknowingly built a very strong foundation of friendship based on trust and understanding, that is so much more than sexual tension or romantic possibilities. like i said, there's just this connection that we have to each other that is so rare and so unexplainable. i think my only fear is that once one of us starts to date someone, our relationship will inevitably change. because our relationship just isn't something that's easily understood by others, and i can't imagine a significant other being okay with either of us maintaining a friendship like this. i have to admit, it scares me. i want both of us to each find our "one" - but i'm terrified of how it will change our relationship. but i guess, like with anything else - we must adapt.

so, i guess what i'm trying to say right now is that as bitter as i am about aspects of los angeles and the lack of some meaningful relationships - i have to appreciate the ones that have meant a lot - the one's that changed me, and the ones that i will always cherish. and i learned last year, after a close friend passed away, that i never want to take anything for granted. and i am a better person because these people were in my life and i guess 3 people in almost 6 years of living in los angeles, really ain't that bad, huh?

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

Every possession and every happiness is but lent by chance for an uncertain time, and may therefore be demanded back the next hour. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

my first angry blog

this doesn’t happen often, but i’m angry. i’m bitter. and i’m disappointed.

there’s so much about los angeles that i love. but the longer i live here, the more i realize how much i hate the people here sometimes. i’ve always believed myself to be a good judge of character and always trusted my own instincts. but in the last 5 years of being in los angeles, i’ve been consistently proved wrong. so many new encounters - never end up being what i expect. a lot of the experiences i have, that i think I will always remember – end up being a mirage. i never thought that being idealistic was a bad thing, until now.

i just don’t understand what it is about this city that somehow manages to make things ugly and selfish. i don’t think i’ve ever met this many people who are so freaking self-centered and shallow, it’s starting to make me sick. it’s one of those places that no matter how real you try to be, it’s inevitable that you are changed by it. how long is someone supposed to walk among masks without starting to believe that they should wear one too?

a friend of mine was talking to me about this improv class he’s taking. he was telling me that improv wasn’t about being funny – it’s about being real and having true reactions. how ironic, that there needs to be a class for that.

this city is so much about the right look, the right friends, the right car, the right job, the right significant other. but who decides what’s right? what if all the “right” things are wrong for you? the most comical part of it? most of the "right" things people have - really aren't anything. i cannot tell you how many people i've met that drive a luxury car and share a 2 bedroom apartment with 4 other people. or others who wear designer clothes, but drive a hoopdee. again, where are the priorities?

like I said, I used to trust my own instincts. i used to always think positive – believe the best in people. but the truth is that i’ve been so wrong, and so disappointed, how can i keep staying positive? remember the old saying - "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me?" relationships just don’t seem permanent to people. friendships seem to be formed from need, ego, convenience, and selfishness and they all seem to be so short-sighted. what happened to conversation? trust? sincerity? genuine concern? true friendship? acceptance? patience? a friend of mine told me that he didn't want too many friends. ironically, he grew up in LA. me, i'm not from LA and i used to think that one could never have enough friends. time to seriously rethink that one.

don’t get me wrong – i’m not saying that everyone in los angeles is like this. i have met some really great people. and there are people who are genuine and thoughtful. although, some of those relationships are special too, few are deep and meaningful. it’s not something conscious. there are just some people in your life that you connect with and unfortunately - many you just don't. it’s not done with intention. it just is what it is.

i know this is a bit of venting, and it's really not that bad. i'm just reacting to some recent disturbing events. ultimately, i'm just tired of seeing all these people around me trying so hard to be something else. i know that all of us have role models, or maybe some idea of how we want to be. but i really believe that at the end of the day - our souls are the way they are. you can't change that. so why try so hard? i believe that the biggest responsibility that we each have is to live good lives, help people when we can, try not to hurt people or take advantage and above all never take anything for granted.

maybe my problem is that i care too little about what other people think. i like to have fun, and i do get carried away. and when people judge me for it, i get pissed. when i'm starting to get to know people, i think i'm pretty sincere and real. i speak my mind, and though i know that i could probably "play the game" better with men, i prefer to be myself. it's mind boggling to watch a women feign helplessness. it's even more disgusting to watch men run to their rescue. so, maybe that's why i haven't found my counterpart. maybe i'm not playing the demure, coy and high-maintenance part well enough. i think the problem is that i'm an extremely codependent person. i like to feel needed too. is that bad?

why is it so freaking hard to have a meaningful relationship now? I’m not even talking about love, my god don’t even get me started on that. it’s just so damned hard not to be cynical, not to hold back, not to be more guarded. but that’s not the way I want to live or love. but it just seems that here in los angeles, it’s the only way to keep from getting constantly dissappointed and hurt. because sometimes, the peaks just don’t makeup for the valleys anymore.

but at the end of the day, i think i just want to fight this bitterness. maybe it's stupid to set myself up for dissappointment. but i just refuse to be changed by this city and its lack of depth. i know, i need to grow up. but what a sad correlation. growing up means to stop believing in the best in people? okay - so blind faith may be a ridiculous thing to have. but, damn if i'll give up that easily. guess it's shame on me.

Reason is our soul's left hand, Faith her right. ~John Donne

In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. ~Blaise Pascal

new parents

a few years ago, a lot of my closest friends were getting married. now, they're all having children. i now watch this process with complete awe.

the idea that some of these people were just living life on the fly - traveling, partying, not giving a shit about anything else but having a great time. . . they now have a totally different purpose in life. there is now this tiny little angel that they have to teach, protect, love, and guide through this life. someone who's solely dependent on them to live and grow. every decision made, will shape their future. it's amazing.

and to even think about how much my friend's lives have and will change - their priorities, their dreams, their ambitions, are now inevitably entwined with another being for the rest of their lives. i'm sure that things that used to seem important, probably seem trivial now compared to the responsibilities they now have.

people always laugh at me when i tell them that i would like to have children more than i would like to get married. i know, it's strange. but the beauty of that type of unconditional love is something that i know will be a million times more special than what i imagine now. i'm just not too thrilled about the actual giving birth part, as profound as it's supposed to be. . . i can't say that i'm looking forward to the pain. ouch!

one of my favorite movies is "stepmom" with susan sarandan and julia roberts. for those of you who haven't watched it - the basic story is (don't read on if you plan on watching it) that a divorced couple struggles to help their children deal with the father's decision to remarry and the discovery that the mother is dying of cancer. there are some pretty intense scenes. but the movie is so great because it shows so many different angles. they portray the love that these parents have for their kids, as well as the transitions that children go through with age and also because of dramatic changes like divorce. they also show the fear that parents sometimes have of making the wrong decision for the kids and also the fear of losing their children's respect or admiration.

there's a very poignant scene - when the future stepmom and mom have to finally come to terms with the fact that they have to resolve their issues. julia roberts, being the future stepmom, expresses that she cannot live up to susan sarandon's legacy of the perfect mom. susan sarandan reveals that she is terrified of being replaced and forgotten by her children, once she passes away. which delves into the idea that all of us, want to be remembered - want to leave an impression on the lives of those around us, want to know that people's lives were better because we were a part of them - especially our children.

i don't know about you guys - but this is a huge thing to me. i want to know that i enriched the lives of people around me. that's by choice. but to have a child, it becomes your obligation, your duty. pretty overwhelming, huh?

here's some pictures of my friends' beautiful children. introducing:

Elliot Ly

Cody Nguyen

Leo Marcel Guillon

Jaxon Hoang

risk

how does anyone know when it’s worth it take a risk? okay, the blanket answer is – it’s worth it if the potential gain far exceeds the potential risk, right? but I think that we all know that it’s never that simple.

i called a friend and asked that same question. and his answer was simple – if things are good now, why risk anything? but the simple truth is – if that was the case, then no one would gamble. hell, if you’ve got $200 why risk it to win $1000? if that was the case, why would anyone be motivated to want more from life, right?

that’s an interesting example, because people are always willing to take that risk when it comes to money. but why not with other things like career or love? i have to ask myself that all the time. in little things, i’m all about risk. but in big things – i’m terrified. i have stayed in jobs for years – because it was comfortable. i have stayed in relationships because it’s comfortable. why is “comfortable” enough for me?

at this age, it is weird to be at this type of crossroad in my life in so many areas, it’s almost comical. for work, this is the first time in my life that i haven’t loved my job. i LIKE my job. it’s not very stressful, i make a pretty good amount of money, and i work a 7 hour day at an office that is less than a mile away from my apartment. i have great benefits, and a fairly low stress job.

so the questions are now opposing. why aren’t I satisfied? yet, why don’t I want more? so which is it? am i supposed to be satisfied with what i have? or should i have more ambition, because i know i can do more? i have about a handful of dream jobs. so should i risk the stability and security i have now, to pursue a “possibility?”

ironically, i've had some similar experiences in my personal life. i have had some great friendships with men - that have had the formula for a potential “ideal” relationship (which to me is the right balance of differences and commonalities). our strengths were just the right complement for the other’s weaknesses. we actually give a shit about each other, which is sadly rare in los angeles. and, cliché as it may seem, they made me feel safe. but since i already had all of that in a relationship – was it worth the risk of losing something so solid – just to gamble on a “possibility" – when every bone in my body believes that it’s out of my control anyway? when every ounce of my brain says – it’ll never work? any number of things could go wrong and destroy a friendship, and romantic relationship gone bad is the worst way. so, how does anyone know if it’s worth the risk? and does taking that risk mean that we don’t have enough appreciation for what we already have? i guess this particular scenario is especially complicated since it also goes back to the age old "when harry met sally" debate about whether men and women can truly be just friends. personally, i believe it's possible. so that's what has made that issue so much more confusing and scary when faced with the possible loss of a fantastic friend.

i guess that ultimately, it’s all about perceived value. i hate to use the example of money again, but it’s the most simple analogy, in my opinion. so, am I looking at it as spending $10 to try to win $100 or $1000? NO - for me, i think it’s a so much more than that. it’s like having $1 million dollars trying to win $1 trillion. both are equally valuable – the reward of the risk, could be a goldmine, but the loss – is devastating.

5 years ago, i would have said - go for it in every aspect - just jumped in feet first. but I realize that as i’ve gotten older, my head has started to dictate my actions more – and the risks far outweigh the potential gains. and in one respect, i am glad to have grown up a bit. but at the same time, i miss the impulsiveness and recklessness of immaturity. (guess that’s the gemini in me) because, ultimately – i still believe that nothing great is achieved without sacrifice and risk.

What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? ~Robert H. Schuller

A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. ~John A. Shedd

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. ~Soren Kierkegaard

true love and marriage

i went to watch "wedding crashers" this weekend - and they had a great quote about true love.

"true love is one soul's recognition of their counterpoint in another"

it really made me think about how much of "true love" is really a choice. seriously, how many times have you gotten to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex and said "damn, if only i could fall IN LOVE with this person." or better yet, when you think you have feelings for someone that you suspect would be a disastrous relationship. yet, you just can't quite shake the chemistry, the curiosity, or the magnet that keeps you stuck?

so what is it? i just can't believe in the hype of love at first sight. i can be a hopeless romantic just as much as the next sappy chick. but i just think that a really strong connection with someone has to involve certain commonalities and an unspoken understanding of the other person. it's got to be more than the physical.

so do we really have a choice in who we fall in love with? or are we just all aimlessly wandering this earth, hoping to fall into the manhole of love when it's time? why are there so many more cases of people falling in love with the "wrong" person, but not being able to fall in love with the "right" people? and if true love is really out of our hands, then how much do we really need to know about someone to fall in love?

also, love is about so much more than just the initial hook. you have to develop a shared vision of where you want to walk together. you have to be able to have faith that you will make the same choices when faced with the "road less traveled." i think that's where marriage comes in, and complicates things. there are plenty of people that we could love or want. but at the end of the day, are they going to be able to grow old with you? can they be your "us against the world" partner? do you have enough of a common ground to be able to make decisions together? if not - how can you possibly have the expectation of "happily ever after?"

everyone wants to fall in love, right? but the bottom line is. . . is true love a required ingredient for a successful marriage, or just a lucky coincidence?

it would be impossible to "love" anyone or anything one knew completely. love is directed towards what lies hidden in its object. ~Paul Valéry, Tel quel, 1943

the ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. ~ Quoted By Alexandra Penney

love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged cupid painted blind.
~William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream, 1595

cool recipes

i've tried these both out, and everyone seems to love them. . .

Ahi Tuna Tartar on Sesame Wonton Crisps
CDKitchen http://www.cdkitchen.com
Serves/Makes: 24
Ready In: <>

***Sesame Wonton Crisps***
12 wonton wrappers (can substitute egg roll wrappers)
2 tablespoons olive oil
3 tablespoons sesame seeds

***Tuna Tartar***
6 ounces sushi-grade tuna, cut into 1/4-inch dice
2 tablespoons green onions, green parts only, finely chopped
2 tablespoons sesame seeds, toasted
2 tablespoons soy sauce1 teaspoon sesame oil
1 teaspoon peeled and grated fresh ginger1 clove garlic, minced
3/4 teaspoon orange zest
2 tablespoons cilantro, finely chopped

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt1 avocado, cut into 1/4-inch dice
2 teaspoons lime juice
Cilantro sprigs for garnish

Directions:

Sesame Wonton Crisps: Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Cut the wonton squares on an angle to make two triangles. Arrange the wonton triangles on the baking sheet. Spray with olive oil on one side (or brushlightly). Sprinkle lightly with sesame seeds. Bake until golden, about 6minutes. (Can burn easily so watch carefully). Let cool. (Alternatively, if youwant cups, put the oiled whole wrappers in mini muffin tins). Remove triangles from the pan and let cook on a cooling rack.

Tuna Tartar: Mix tuna, green onions, sesame seeds, soy sauce, sesame oil, ginger, garlic, orange zest,cilantro and salt together in a medium bowl. Mix well.

Assembly: Rightbefore ready to serve, add the avocado and lime juice. (Do not mix in advance.)Place a heaping teaspoon of the tuna mixture on each wonton triangle. Garnishwith a sprig of cilantro. Serve immediately. It is important that the tuna isnot left at room temperature for more than 1 hour.

Salmon Tartare with Red Onion Crème Fraîche
Salmon Tartare(adapted from The French Laundry Cookbook by Thomas Keller)

For best results, choose a very fresh fillet of salmon near the belly where it has the most fat.
- 4 oz fresh Atlantic salmon
- 1 ½ tsps finely minced shallots
- 1 ½ tsps finely minced chives- 1 tsp olive oil
- 1 tsp lemon oil or lemon juice
- ½ tsp kosher salt
- pinch of white pepper

Remove skin from salmon and mince until very fine. Do not use a food processor as it will damage the salmon’s delicate texture.

In a small bowl, combine and mix the ingredients. Season to taste with additional salt and pepper. Cover and refrigerate tartare for at least 30 minutes, or up to 12 hours.

Red Onion Crème Fraîche
Crème fraîche can often be found in the dairy section of fine food stores. Heavy cream whipped to soft peaks and sour cream make good substitutes.
- ½ cup crème fraîche
- 1 tbsp finely chopped red onion
- ¼ tsp kosher salt
- pinch of white pepper

In a small bowl, whip crème fraîche until it forms soft peaks.
Place red onions in a strainer and briefly rinse with cold water. Dry with paper towels.
Fold red onions, salt and pepper into crème fraîche and season to taste with additional salt and pepper. Refrigerate until ready to serve, or up to 6 hours.
Assembly - Place slices of warm or lightly toasted focaccia on their sides. Spoon a dollop of red onion crème fraîche and 1 or 2 teaspoons of salmon tartare on each slice and serve immediately.
Makes about 20 servings.

independent women

i'd like to think that i am a typical independent woman. i speak my mind, i support myself financially and as much as i can emotionally. i try to go after the things i want, and try to accomplish things for myself.

i find it difficult to find a balance sometimes. i want to be independent. but at the same time - i have to admit, i want to be able to depend on someone sometimes too. wait, you know what, i want someone in my life that i can depend on ALL THE TIME. i love needing someone. damn, it feels so good to have something as simple as a kiss or a hug wipe away all the negativity of a bad day. i need someone to reassure me when i'm insecure and remind me about all the great things in life that i should appreciate. i want a "biggest fan." i want someone else to help me make decisions. as much as i question things (mostly out of curiosity) - i love the idea of trusting someone enough to just be able to say "ok, i'll do it." last but not least, i want to feel safe.

so my question now is - because i want and need all these things, does this make me any less independent? i guess i don't HAVE to have any of these things. i can still function. my life will still go on. but does the mere act of desiring these things in another person make me dependent?

there was an incident lately as a friend's party. one of the guys there got a bit out of hand, and was acting sort of strange. it made me feel really uncomfortable, and i did my best to avoid it. apparantly i was not the only female that felt a little wierd about his behaviour. at the end of the night he actually came at me and kissed me on the mouth. for some people, that may not be strange, but considering that i've hung out with this person several times, and he has never done that - i thought it was wierd. also the fact that i felt that he was almost stalking me all night - and there are some pictures to prove that - made things even more bizarre.

well, afterwards - a couple of people talked to me about it. it was a strange mixture of comments. one of the other girls at the party made it a point to tell the host of the party, which is also a close friend of mine, he "jokingly" said - are you sure it's not serena harrassing him?" he later explained that he was kidding, but i have to admit - it bothered me. i always believe that people's initial reactions are their true reactions. ok - so i'm friendly and i can be flirtatious. but i don't think that it means that i welcome creepy behavior. (doesn't this also go back to the old misconception about flritation women encouraging a rapist? ok a bit dramatic, but still applicable).

i was especially bothered by it, because in this particular case - i was trying to be polite. i was trying to avoid making the guy feel embarrassed. and truthfully, i wasn't really sure how to handle it. when a stranger gets a little bit out of line, it's easy - you tell them politely once, then you get mean. but when it's someone you know, someone that is good friends with your friends, what is the appropriate way to handle it?

a couple of other people said that they knew i could take care of myself. again, is it because i am a bit more outspoken and maybe more aggressive? does that mean in a situation where two people are being bullied (me being one of them), that the other person is more deserving of help? that just doesn't seem right. no matter how strong i am percieved to be, i'd like to know that someone is looking out for me too. is that wrong?

so if i were to take all this into consideration - basically, i should stop being so damned friendly. and if i'm ever in a sticky situation - well, i guess i'm pretty much on my own? is that the insight that i should gain from this? or is the true lesson here that even if i'm only independent in some aspects of my life - i better pretend not to be, or else be left to fend for myself?

sorry, either way - i just can't pretend. i am independent, but i also have vulnerabilities. i guess i just need to make sure that i'm around people who are willing to look deeper to find that out.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

actions do speak louder than words

it's so interesting that people can spend time with someone for months or maybe even years, and realize much later that their perception of that person is totally off. well, if you base everything on what people tell you, you'll never really get to know them. but the truth is, you can get to know someone in a matter of days - if you are really trying to understand them. it's all about their actions. all too often, i think we miss all these subtle indications of character.

a few examples:

1) road rage - (this one is especially critical for us angelinos) how someone handles road rage tells me about their temper and their range of temper. does this person just basically curse the shit out of someone, or try to get out of the car and beat them up? do they keep going on and on about it after the person that (might have innocently) cut them off is long gone? or do they forget about it quickly?

2) someone's sense of humor speaks volumes. is this someone that can laugh at themselves while others laugh at them? do they mind occasionally being the butt of someone's jokes? when people are lighthearted, you know that you don't have to be extra sensitive, and more importantly, you know you don't have to watch what you say. i also think it shows confidence and a strong sense of who they are. people who tend to get upset easily at jokes, are usually not much fun to be around, in my opinion.

3) eye contact is a big one. if someone doesn't look you in the eye when they talk to you, or even seemingly avoids direct eye contact - it's a bad sign to me. also, if you're in a conversation, pay attention if they're really looking at you or constantly looking around.

4) the restaurant check. this is a big one. i'll let you formulate your own ideas. but the big questions: do they offer to pay? do they immediately assume that it will be dutch? how often do they offer to pay? even if you've already said that it was your treat, do they offer to pay for the tip or maybe parking?

5) drunken behavior - there's generally two schools of thought - that people don't have a clue what they're doing when they're drunk, or that since they lose all their inhibitions - what they say or do is what they really want to say or do. ( i think this topic alone is deserving of it's own future blog)

6) treatment towards friends & family - obviously, it's hard to observe the way someone is around family - b/c most of us don't get to see that. but, how someone treats their friends says a lot to me. their level of loyalty, their efforts to go beyond expectations, willingness to be inconvenienced, and mostly what is done that goes unsaid (because to me, it's when people do the things without needing recognition, that matters most).

7) overall demeaner and mannerisms - this one is a bit subjective. however, i've always felt more comfortable around people that look comfortable, people that smile a lot, people that are social (but sincere) and mostly people that just look happy. never underestimate body language or facial expressions. come on, we've all seen those people at parties that look like they're not having fun, then someone walks up, and BAM - there comes the fake smile.

so, these are just some basic obvious signs for people that you don't know. but what about the people in your life that you can't quite read? how do you gauge the integrity of people in your life that have been there forever? what do you know about their character?

well, for a lot of people - those friends you've known for 10+ years - it's hard to really see them any differently than you've been seeing them. when that much time has passed, your perceptions are sort of already set - unless something big happens, because you've already resolved yourself to accept them. so these are tough.

but for me, living in LA for about 5 years now, i have found it quite difficult to trust my own instincts. i find it much more important to look for these subtle indications of character. sadly, i've been very wrong about people, which makes me a little more guarded than when i was in new orleans. and i can honestly say that i've only really connected with a handful of people since i've moved. some, you just knew you'd be friends forever. a few people, i knew were just passing through. the rest, the jury's still out.

but as i get to know people better, people that have passed that initial filter - i have other things i look for. do they keep their word? do they mean what they say? do they keep their promises or are they just the type of people that love to make grand verbal gestures? so much of los angeles is about meeting "the one" - well, when it comes down to impressing someone of the opposite sex, or being there for a friend - which comes first? if you have double booked yourself, what is your priority? what is their formula for a "good time?" are they high maintenance? ok - so the list could go on.

basically, i guess all i'm saying is that i still believe in the old saying "actions speak louder than words" - because when you feel that you are being taken for granted or someone you care about has hurt you - sometimes what they say to you really doesn't mean shit if what they do says something different.

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. - Abraham Lincoln

In great affairs men show themselves as they wish to be seen; in small things they show themselves as they are. - Nicholas Chamfort