love this song

damn, it's been a long time since i felt like this. . . kind of miss it actually.

"Do What You Have To Do"
(Sarah McLachlan)

what ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and i have the sense to recognize that
i don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
i'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
i do what i have to do
the yearning to be near you
i do what i have to do

but i have the sense to recognize
that i don't know how
to let you go
i don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

i know i can't be with you
i do what i have to do
I know i can't be with you
I do what I have to do

and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

when harry met sally

okay - who hasn't had a platonic relationship that wasn't compared to Harry's and Sally's? so the basic question here is. . . can men and women be friends? personally, i believe it's possible. but there are definitely two schools of thought here:

some people believe that sexual tension/ attraction will always get in the way. i can't even begin to tell you how many people have told me that no man can be friends with a woman unless he's ultimately trying to get in her pants. these are the same people that believe in the inevitability of the famous scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where Harry is comforting a very distraught Sally and they end up having sex. but, just because sexual tension exists, doesn't mean it exists in every relationship. and i'm sure that if we really sat down to think about it, we each have friends that we are in no way attracted to. so - possible? absolutely.

then, there are others (like myself) that categorize opposite sex relationships as "romantic" or "friend." call me crazy, but i just don't think that meeting a man and getting to know him means that it has to lead somewhere in particular. i read a quote somewhere that said - maybe God meant for us to meet as many people as possible so that when we meet the right ones, we can appreciate them. the truth is that my beliefs come from the sheer fact that i have had a lot of male friends. initially, they came from situations where a romantic angle was just not possible. (my friends' ex-boyfriends, my boyfriends' friends, family members of people i dated) so when those relationships were successful and stood the test of time, i kept with it.

this is not to say that it's always a possibility. it has to be clear from the conception of the friendship. boundaries have to be clear and honesty has to exist. you can't try to be friends with someone, while secretly hoping that they will fall in love with you - and then call it a true friendship. we all know that it happens. my point here is that it's possible, if handled correctly.

opposite sex friendships have so many advantages, that it's so shocking that more people don't believe in them.

for women, female relationships are very complicated. you can't just have a glass of wine and watch "Bridges of Madison County" without having an in depth discussion about the man that could have been the one or the asshole that cheated on you. female relationships usually require an exchange of intimate information. also, if the upcoming One Day Sale at Bloomingdales, the newest purse from LV, a 2 hour gossip session on who slept with who, or the neighborhood nail salon don't have your heart skipping a beat - the bonding with a female is even more work - because it's just that much harder to find common ground. the biggest problem - jealousy and competition are so prevalent within women that it's scary. i just haven't been able to figure out why woman's lack of confidence is so easily expressed and just seems to ooze out of them, while men are so much more passive. so when a woman is spending time with a male friend, you can just hang out and do nothing. you can watch a movie and actually watch the movie. there are not as many expectations or responsibilities.

for men, it's fairly common for men to feel uncomfortable sharing personal problems or intimate issues with another man. it's unheard of within some ethnicities. however, a man can talk to a woman about his insecurities, hurt feelings, and avoidable mistakes. it's okay to get emotional. but do that in front of the guys, and you are considered feminine.

for both, what better way to understand the opposite sex?

okay, now for the exceptions.

i used to be very black and white on this. but as i've gotten older, i've realized that there's a lot of grey i didn't anticipate. ultimately, don't we all want our significant other to be our best friend? does it really matter which comes first? but i think, just like with anything else - there are so many other circumstances that must be considered. sometimes, it works. other times you're just meant to be friends. but of course, complications are always inevitable. i would be lying if i said that no one had ever misread my intentions or vice versa.

personally, i've had problems with A LOT of my guy friends' girlfriends. some were due to my lack of effort - others, i truly believe were just due to insecurity. but recently, i think i've started to understand that insecurity a little better. i already know that once i get into a relationship - that it these guy friends will be an issue, mostly because the people that i am used to calling when i'm in crisis, or see something hysterical - can't be the same ones that i think to call first anymore.

when you're in a relationship, in order to give it a real chance, you have to commit to allowing this person to share in all your experiences initially. as the relationship progresses, you can learn to filter the things that they don't want to know. when you are used to having a will or a grace in your life; an element of codependency develops. that doesn't work well when you're starting a new relationship.

i've always said that i could never date anyone that expected me to give up my friends - male or female. don't get me wrong, i am not trying to be disrespectful. obviously, i know that there are certain boundaries, and new lines that have to be drawn. shared moments that used to be okay, may not be. but i certainly don't expect someone that i love to sacrifice their friends for me, so i expect the same from them. the bottom line is that it's about trust, and a faith in the mutual respect of each other. if you don't have either one of those, you don't have a relationship to begin with.

not to toot my own horn, but i think i'm a pretty cool girlfriend. i have had so much exposure to the male psyche, since i always seem to be "one of the boys" - i don't find insecurity in a lot of things that many women do. not that i'm saying that i don't have issues, we all do. but understanding some of the guy issues, makes it easier for me to relate to a significant other. and none of this would be possible without guy friends.

that "moment"

WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE and HOW is that moment when you look at someone and realize that you are in love and that they could be "the one?" this is one of those topics that is obviously very subjective - especially because it also involves a person's individual idea of what "love" really is.

for me, love is so many damn things - it's unconditional, there's sacrifice, the idea that someone else's happiness supercedes your own, the fact that there really isn't much that you won't do for them, and that you are able to accept and appreciate everything about them, good and bad, and most of all it's a commitment to offer these feelings indefinitely. to me, you never fall out of true love. just because people change or grow apart, doesn't change the feelings, not if it's real.

but to be "the one" - there are other necessities, for me at least. i realized that i have to be with someone that i can't live without. obviously, the fact that i'm single probably indicates that i have dated plenty of people that i'm fine living without. ok - so how does all this jive with the concept of the independent woman? it doesn't. i admit, i want to be able to depend on someone,emotionally. i want to know that i'm never in anything alone. i want to know that we are on this journey together - "you jump, i jump" - you know?

i need someone to bring out the best in me, and accept my wackiness. i also absolutely have to respect them. i need someone to be my moral compass, so to speak - someone who kind of guides me in the right direction, when necessary. AND a great sense of humor is a must, if we can't laugh at each other and with each other - there's no chance of longevity.

i guess sometimes that moment happens before you have even really developed a relationship. whenever you meet someone new, there's usually an initial "sorting," right? usually, the first filter is physical. are they appealing to you? is there a spark? then, you get to know each other. some people have it sorted as "potential" or "no potential." others, like myself, sort by "romantic" or "friend." because of this mindset, i develop relationships with all kinds of people, because i find so many things attractive in people - energy, spirit, a smile, a philosophy, etc. i never think that every man i meet either has to be the love of my life or nothing. maybe that's how come i have so many guy friends too. but i have to admit, i usually know whether there's a spark, and i have yet to be proven wrong.

so when is that moment when people decide that you want to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship? what tips the scale? is it a moment? or is it something that develops slowly? what about love at first site? and who can tell me about this elusive concept about "the one" - because im totally clueless on this one.

Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

extremeties

It's never only cold - Feels like it's freezing.
But then it can't just be hot - It invariably burns.

Shouldn't it be hunger? Why is it constantly starvation?
We only seek to be satisfied - Instead it's gluttony.

Trying to hold back tears - Only results in sobbing.
Wish it was just a bruise - But it was broken badly.

Want to hold on with rope - Given a dangling string.
Thought it looked like a cut - We were actually stabbed.

Our vision is blurred -Because we are really blind.
Attempt to just hurt - Nevertheless, it's immeasurable pain.

Can't we just need - Instead of not being able to live without?
Why can't we just care - Why does it have to be love?
Not allowed merely anger - The hatred prevails.

People don't just leave - They never come back.
No such thing as closed doors - Only locked ones.

Though things can often look pretty - The beauty can also be overwhelming.
We can make wishes on stars - But be filled with endless hopes.

Don't have to just smile - Why, when we can laugh?
It's not about giving - It's about sacrifice.

We don't have to just know a man…….We can search for the depths of his soul.

why i love assholes

ok we've all heard this before, right? why do women love men that are jerks? i can't speak for the entire female population, but i can sure as hell speak for myself. let me explain though - i use the term "asshole" because that's the noun of choice used by other people. but in most cases, assholes are just strong people with strong feelings, that let you know about them.

(one more clarification - i am speaking mostly about men here. i will have to cover women, and the "bitch" idea later).

with an asshole, what you see is what you get. they speak their mind, and if you're wrong - they'll tell you, frankly, that you're wrong. they don't care if their opinions differ from the norm, and they will always tell you exactly what they think. this is not to say that this characteristic, if not controlled, won't hurt them socially or professionally. because, i think that's pretty obvious. (now that i think of it, everyone i could remotely classify as an asshole is usually self-employed or trying to become self-employed. AND mostly single. hmmm? that can't be a coincidence).

please understand that the type of asshole that i'm referring to isn't mean, just to be mean. they just speak without hesitation. and to some people, if you're not extra sensitive to how your words affect other people, you're an asshole. ironically, most of the time the reality is that they hit a nerve, or they've called someone on something that is totally on point - and people get defensive. so is it necessary to check people like that? no. but i have found that the kind of assholes i like - usually only call people out because they deserved it. and usually, they are saying exactly what everyone is thinking, but scared to say. that's pretty cool, in my book.

BUT there are other people who are just horribly bitter, angry, condescending and outright mean. that's not the kind of asshole that i love.

what is tough though, is that assholes are usually a package deal. they usually come with short tempers, extreme mood swings, and a definitive lack of patience.

first - the tempers. man, they're like those little pop rockets sometimes. one little tug and BAM! (but without the pretty confetti) something as simple as a person crossing the street too slow could set them off. they are very reactive. have an emotion, and express it immediately. but as quickly as they boil, they usually calm down just as easily. how do i deal? i get silly. playfulness almost always works. once they smile, they forget what they were pissed off about. one guy that i dated had horrible road rage. so my joke was that it was a conspiracy, and that i was the leader. i would jokingly tell him that i would tell stupid drivers where were going so they could cut us off, or drive slow - just to get to him. eventually, it became a private joke and very funny.

lack of patience - this one is hilarious. for some reason there are people out there that just cannot fathom the idea of naivety, detachment or stupidity. the fact that someone just doesn't know or doesn't care seems impossible. this is the mind of an asshole. again, remember - they feel everything with every fiber of their being. so, if they care about the ozone layer or starving kids in africa - they don't understand why other people don't care - or could possibly know nothing about it. this one's a tough one to overcome. . . i just shrug my shoulders and nod my head - because sometimes (shhhh.... don't tell), I don't know what they're talking about.

some would say that people who lash out are selfish. that they have no regard for other people's feelings. that may be true. but i guess i see it differently. i believe that all people have different unspoken roles in families, social circles and other relationships. a lot of people need someone there to ignite your spark, make you angry, and make you act. you don't know how many times i've gotten into an argument with someone and then turned around and accomplished something just to prove them wrong. at the end, who really won? i did.

i have to admit though, sometimes it's hard not to take things personally. because when people are enraged, they say things they don't mean. but usually, i am clear-headed enough to see the situation for what it is. i'm not saying it's ok to take any type of abuse, but sometimes you have to be able to step back and take a better look. we all have friends that we make accomodations for - this is just another accomodation.

now, that's all the negative stuff. but just like with anything in life, you gotta take the good with the bad. if i want honesty, brutal as it may be - i can always get it.

as for positives, yes there are a few. the best one? assholes tend to be very passionate people. if they didn't care about what they were talking about - they wouldn't talk about it. they usually have a huge capacity to love and to protect. a lot of the fits of anger - come from genuine concern. the depth in their feelings causes their emotions to be very extreme.

there's an old quote that i remember that says something like the deeper the hole that is cut into your heart - the more room you will have to fill it with love. that's true of anyone, depending on how you look at it. and for "assholes" that passion that sparks them to slap you in the face with a comment, is also the same passion that will make them jump to defend you or protect you or better yet. . . to love you.

their loyalty is usually beyond description. i cannot tell you how many times i have been hurt by someone or felt upset - and my asshole friend - was the first to take my side, sometimes without a thought to even ask if I'm right or wrong. the fact that i was hurt was enough for them to react - and defend. also, their compassion for the underprivileged is surprisingly deep. they are always quick to defend those who can't speak for themselves, and they are forever the champion for the underdog.

last but definitely not least - they're not dumb. on the contrary, they're usually pretty intelligent people. that's a hard pill to swallow for victims of their tirades. but you have to realize, that's why they can argue so passionately. they usually know what they're talking about. and won't bother to argue a point they can't verbally support. so be careful, because if you plan to make any sweeping generalizations, don't expect to walk away unscathed. but if you can actually hold your own in verbal banter - you're in for a great debate.

please understand, that i'm not making excuses or romanticizing their actions. actually, i don't think i have to. there are people out there that don't deserve a second thought, when they are mean. but, i guess i try to look a little further sometimes - because i have been fortunate enough to actually get to see the tender side of some of these "assholes" and what they bring to my life far outweighs any flighty comments they may make. honestly, i'd take one asshole over 2 or even 3 "nice" guys, anyday. i guess you'll understand once i write a blog on why i hate wimps.

Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things. - Denis Diderot

"..the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing,but burn,burn,burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." (Jack Kerouac)

old friends

what is it about old friends that just gives us that warm fuzzy feeling? i have friends that i don't see for YEARS, and when we get together, it's like no time has passed. there's something profound that happens when we reunite. they make me feel grounded, and reassure me that all the obscure things that i contemplate are not crazy. they reassure me. they remind me of who i am, of the things that i love about myself, and mostly - there's an unspoken understanding, a silent affirmation.

something strange i have noticed though - that in college, i had a better balance of male and female friends. since moving to LA - that has shifted to almost mostly male friends. everyone says it's because i think like a guy or that i'm a tomboy. i beg to differ. (just because i don't spend my life searching for shoes or don't obsess about the newest louis vutton purse - doesn't mean that i'm any less of a woman. i'm just a different kind of woman). i just think it's harder to connect with people as we get older, and even harder for women, because female relationships involve a lot more depth, and the necessity to risk vulnerability.

i've had this discussion with a lot of my male friends. they're always trying to encourage me to make more female friends. and i have to keep telling them - it's not like i don't try. but i also don't think it should take this much effort. it should be natural.

however, as i look around me, most women that i meet are still closer to their old friends, and still not really connecting with a lot of new people - JUST LIKE ME. honestly, i think it's just age. the older we all get, the more there is to explain about our lives, and it's just too hard. with guys, it's so much easier, you hang out, you party - and if the opportunity comes up - you share. there isn't a need to swap life stories in order to get to know one another. it just happens. and guys usually talk about things that don't involve depth or history or feelings, so the relationship tends to develop slowly.

i can't say that i don't wish i had more women friends. i do. but like i said, it has to be natural. there has to be a shared philisophy of life, in some respect. i can't stand high maintenance women and despise jealousy and pettiness. but most of all - i want to surround myself with people that have energy, passion and conviction. so, with those pros and cons in mind - a lot of red flags pop up when i meet other women in LA. with my 4 closest girlfriends, there are little specks of my pet peeves. but there's an acceptance that has developed, and i don't even notice things that would usually bother me.

so what is so great about my "sistas?" the four of us are as different as night and day. we are spread out from Biloxi to Saigon. we have different tastes in men, but a shared love of food and laughter. i can proudly say that my gal pals are all strong women, very self-assured and confident in their own identity. even in college, there was not the competition or cattiness that you normally see. sure, we had our share of drama here and there, but nothing like what you would expect. and the drama was NEVER with each other. all of us were different, and unique in our own way. and we valued and embraced that in each other.

the best part is that there are no filters. comments that i make in jest are taken that way. serious comments are respected. they know where i'm coming from, and know that no matter what we say or do - there's an understanding that it's never ill will. also, we've been around each other enough to know our "hot buttons." so, it's funny to look over at my friend and know, without a single word, that something someone did or said - just totally annoyed the shit out of her.

there's also this strange air of silliness that comes over me. anyone who knows me, already knows that i love to laugh. but get me around my "sistas" and that goofiness is taken up a few notches. wait till you see us karaoke together. get us talking about crazy stories, and we will be rolling on the ground, but trust me - you'll have no idea what we're laughing about. . . because in most cases - "you had to be there."

don't get me wrong, i love the friends that i've made in LA, but it's just so damn difficult sometimes to try to find common ground, to get close to people without having to disclose your entire life history. i also think a lot of close friends are born from bad times. you get through a difficult situation together, and inevitably - you develop a bond. so, i guess i should just be happy with the fact - that i haven't had too many bumps on road of life lately?

To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is understanding in spite of distances or thoughts expressed. That can make life a garden. (Goethe)

I shot an arrow into the air, It fell to earth, I knew not where; For so swiftly it flew, the sight, Could not follow it in its flight. I breathed a song into the air, It fell to earth, I knew not where; For, who has sight so keen and strong, That it can follow the flight of song? Long, long afterward, in an oak, I found the arrow, still unbroke; And the song, from beginning to end, I found again in the heart of a friend. (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

parents

i was talking to a friend today and he got me thinking about this whole Oedipus complex thing. and it's funny how much i was able to identify with it right away. he was actually talking about how men are usually looking to end up with someone just like their mom. but it really got me thinking about how our parents' marriages, personalities and lives effect us.

i thought about my own parents. they're divorced. and until this day - i still can't fathom the idea of marriage. i love children, and can't wait to have kids - but the idea of marriage scares the hell out of me. more than anything, it's the idea of looking at someone and knowing that i want to wake up next to them every single day for the rest of my life. ok - i know that sounds horriblely cynical. but it makes me wonder - is it because my parents are divorced?

the actual divorce didn't really freak me out. i was 19 at the time, and i saw that my parents weren't happy together. i knew that it was the best decision for both of them. and even now, as i have been through enough relationships of my own - i see how it's important to move on sometimes. but what really freaked my out was that after 20 YEARS, they realized that they didn't want to be together. it makes me think about what happens in long term relationships.

when you're dating, you're learning about each other. as much as you may think you're in love at any given point, sometimes there are just things that you know you can't live with. also, timing is everything. but i would like to think that after about 5 years or so in a marriage - you have worked out all this. but then to wake up 20 years later and all of a sudden - you don't want it anymore. it's a scary thought to me. personally, the only relationships i have had that i trust in. . . are my friendships. they have lasted the test of time, and i have faith in them, sometimes even blind faith. so what is it that is so different in a romantic relationship? isn't your husband supposed to be your best friend? ok, i'll that will have to be another blog for another day.

now onto the next theory that we all want to marry people just like our parents. in my case. . totally true. you know how we're all supposed to have this elusive "list" of all the top things you are looking for? mine is simple (in my opinion), except that they are not in any particular order. . gotta work on that one

1) they absolutely have to have integrity, i can't be with anyone that has questionable principles.

2) someone with a strong sense of who they are (i've always been drawn to people who are "assholes" and it's because i love the idea that someone will say and do whatever they want, because they just don't care what other people think) now, i'm not saying i WANT an asshole - but i'd like to be with someone who really knows themselves, holds to their principles, and exudes self confidence.

3) ambition - and this means much more to me than just career goals. i want someone who embraces everything that life has to offer, someone who is constantly trying to learn and grow and improve.

4) someone with vision - i love people who can see possibilities in impossibilities. but that's where the ambition comes in, they can't just see it - they gotta be willing to get off their ass and make it happen.

5) loves life - playfulness is the key here. it's so important to be able to have fun together, to see the beauty and comedy in life. it's on my friendster - i want to be with someone who can appreciate the simple things in life - a sunset, a great bottle of wine, and light drizzle.

6) open mind - i love to debate and witty banter is such a turn on for me. but it's never fun if someone is never able to step outside their own opinions.

my dad possesses most of these qualities. in fact, i think a few of those come from him. pretty neat, huh? guess i don't need the $150 an hour psychologist after all.

i have always also relished the "us against the world" concept in marriage. i think it's because my parents came over to the US with very little, and built their whole life from scratch - together. maybe that's why i've never been atrracted to men that were born into wealth. i like the idea of a self-made man, again - much like my dad.

above and beyond that, i love the idea of being the woman behind the man. and of course, i hope it will be vice versa, as well. one of my favorite Oscar moments was when Kim Basinger won the Oscar for LA Confidential, the camera moved to focus on Alec Baldwin, and he was crying. i thought it was beautiful and it made me cry too. i guess it's just the idea that her success was that important to him.

it's an idea that i have always romanticized a lot. i just absolutely love the idea of being the one to push someone to achieve something they thought they couldn't. in some way, i know it's also a need in me to make a difference, to know that i have had a positive influence on the people that i love, to have affected someone else's life. and the idea that i could be the one to give a person the confidence to chase a dream - it's amazing.

so i guess the conclusion is really two fold, when trying to figure out our own relationship issues, maybe we should consider looking at our parents, and second - when raising children, always remember how your decisions, your choices can effect their future relationships.


If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~C.G. Jung

people passing through your life

this comes from an old forward that i got from a friend a few years ago.

sometimes, it's so hard to understand why some people come in and out of our lives the way that they do, and i think this puts it into a bit of perspective. . .

"People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.

When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

soulmates

we've all heard it before... the concept of soulmates. so, before i even started to write this, i looked up what it means "by definition" and of course "googled" it.

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dictionary.com - "One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity."

Merriam Websters - "a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament. a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes and beliefs"

according to solvedating.com - (these are actually pretty interesting)

classic meaning of soulmates: the concepts of soulmates arose from greek mythology. according to the story, our ancestors once had 2 heads, 4 arms. they did something to offend a god so that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. as a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for the other half, our soulmates.

spiritual soulmate concepts: many religions and spiritual paths believe in reincarnation and the concept of karma. through reincarnation, soulmates may spend many lifetimes together in past lives.

companion soulmates: these are people that we encounter through their life. these are usually friends, teachers, mentors, or other people who have helped you achieving a life's goal or helped you out of a crisis.

twin soulmates: these types of soulmate are your closest friends or a person whom you really click with. according to those who believe in reincarnation, you have already met them in a past life, and in this life you are continuing the relationship. there is an emotional bond between these soulmates and each is able to sense the feelings of each other. (aka "kindred spirits")

twin flame soulmates: this is the most popular type of soulmate. there is usually one twin flame soulmate for each of us. twin flame soulmates have spent multiple lifetimes together in past lives. there is incredible chemistry and attraction towards each other. they "complete" each other and only few lucky people are able to find their twin flame soulmate. twin flame soulmates, if separated, usually suffer enormous pain.

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by the way - for $1.00 a minute, there's a number for a psychic that can tell you " how to tell if you have met kindred spirits already. how to tell if someone is a kindred spirit. how many kindred spirits do you currently have in your life." good luck on that one. sorry, i forgot to get the number.

regardless of the definition you prefer - mine, webster's or your own, i think it's important to recognize these people in your life, and i guess that's why i'm writing about it.

until i actually read what it means, i think that my definition was sort of a combination of all those things. in my world, a soulmate is someone who is able to fill an empty part of your life, that no one else has been able to. sometimes it's a need or a hunger, other times it can just be a security blanket, or even wings. yes, they would "complete me." but more than that, i think it's someone who gets you, SEES you for who you are.

ok, so everyone would like to believe that they can be themselves all the time, but the reality is that there are parts of ourselves that we never let other people see. . . but with some people, they get it without words, without explanations. that's a soulmate in my book. there is a profound level of acceptance and understanding, that is beyond words. there is a connection, a tie that binds, so to speak.

i have a friend that i believe is one of my soulmates (yes, i believe that i will have more than one). sure, we disagree on things. . . but amazingly, we have gone through so much of the same crisis and chaotic cycles in our lives, and we always seem to understand each other's bizarre decisions, despite much criticism from other friends. we have never judged each other.

we have a lot of the same tastes, philosophies and a shared sense of right and wrong. does this mean that we agree on everything? absolutely not... but it means that we allow each other the ability to disagree... to be different, but yet still the same. there is a strange sense of comfort that i feel when i'm around her, and i cherish it. and i guess in some wierd way, having her in my life - sometimes reminds me that i'm not crazy, and i'm not so different. i have always known that we will be in each other's lives forever. what a great feeling.

i have another friend, this one is a guy - and the closer we get to each other, the more i think that there's something cosmic in our relationship. are we soulmates? i really don't know. but it's definitely something to think about.

the confusing part? for every one thing we agree on, there is an equal if not more important issue that we disagree on. i have had some of the most surprisingly intense arguments with him. we push each other's buttons to no end. but somehow, we always manage to find a middle ground. and no matter how pissed off i get, the idea of not having him in my life seems unimaginable. one of his friends commented to me that we have a strange friendship, and that he thinks that we might have been siblings in a previous life. i guess this is where the idea of "kindred spirits" comes in.

but more than just this "mystical" bond, i trust him. i feel a strange sense of security whenever he's around. and though he's never very tactful when pointing out my faults, a lot of times, he's right. and after being able to sit back and reflect, i am often able to try actually take steps to improve, and ultimately - it makes me a better person. and that's pretty freaking cool thing.

as much as i love a friendly debate, with him - you never which way it will end - in laughter or tears. but at the end of it all - he gets me. and i think i get him too. and as different as we can be, we are also very much alike. and in a bizarre way, i think we find balance in each other. at the end of the day i can only say without a doubt, that we do have a connection, and the best part? it's platonic, without complications. our friendship is far from ideal, but it makes sense to me.

besides all that - both of them have influenced my life, added value to it. they both force me to look at things from different perspectives. they enhance my exposure to different life experiences whether it's a thought provoking book, an inspiring movie, a philisophical discussion, food, wine, or even a great laugh. . . and a lot of times, mundane things become meaningful, boring moments are bearable, and a nice evening can be divine and memorable.

more importantly i see that the presence of these two people in my life means something, i appreciate it and i cherish it for what it is. and i guess what i'm really trying to sell right now is the idea that there are different types of soulmates.

do i believe in the existence of "the one?" -hell yeah! but that doesn't mean that everyone who touches my soul or has a profound impact on my life HAS to be the love of my life. and to me that means that my best friend can actually be my soulmate. so it's like only winning half of a $10 million dollar lottery. i don't know about you, but $5 million would make me pretty happy!

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive. ~Anäis Nin