parents
i was talking to a friend today and he got me thinking about this whole Oedipus complex thing. and it's funny how much i was able to identify with it right away. he was actually talking about how men are usually looking to end up with someone just like their mom. but it really got me thinking about how our parents' marriages, personalities and lives effect us.
i thought about my own parents. they're divorced. and until this day - i still can't fathom the idea of marriage. i love children, and can't wait to have kids - but the idea of marriage scares the hell out of me. more than anything, it's the idea of looking at someone and knowing that i want to wake up next to them every single day for the rest of my life. ok - i know that sounds horriblely cynical. but it makes me wonder - is it because my parents are divorced?
the actual divorce didn't really freak me out. i was 19 at the time, and i saw that my parents weren't happy together. i knew that it was the best decision for both of them. and even now, as i have been through enough relationships of my own - i see how it's important to move on sometimes. but what really freaked my out was that after 20 YEARS, they realized that they didn't want to be together. it makes me think about what happens in long term relationships.
when you're dating, you're learning about each other. as much as you may think you're in love at any given point, sometimes there are just things that you know you can't live with. also, timing is everything. but i would like to think that after about 5 years or so in a marriage - you have worked out all this. but then to wake up 20 years later and all of a sudden - you don't want it anymore. it's a scary thought to me. personally, the only relationships i have had that i trust in. . . are my friendships. they have lasted the test of time, and i have faith in them, sometimes even blind faith. so what is it that is so different in a romantic relationship? isn't your husband supposed to be your best friend? ok, i'll that will have to be another blog for another day.
now onto the next theory that we all want to marry people just like our parents. in my case. . totally true. you know how we're all supposed to have this elusive "list" of all the top things you are looking for? mine is simple (in my opinion), except that they are not in any particular order. . gotta work on that one
1) they absolutely have to have integrity, i can't be with anyone that has questionable principles.
2) someone with a strong sense of who they are (i've always been drawn to people who are "assholes" and it's because i love the idea that someone will say and do whatever they want, because they just don't care what other people think) now, i'm not saying i WANT an asshole - but i'd like to be with someone who really knows themselves, holds to their principles, and exudes self confidence.
3) ambition - and this means much more to me than just career goals. i want someone who embraces everything that life has to offer, someone who is constantly trying to learn and grow and improve.
4) someone with vision - i love people who can see possibilities in impossibilities. but that's where the ambition comes in, they can't just see it - they gotta be willing to get off their ass and make it happen.
5) loves life - playfulness is the key here. it's so important to be able to have fun together, to see the beauty and comedy in life. it's on my friendster - i want to be with someone who can appreciate the simple things in life - a sunset, a great bottle of wine, and light drizzle.
6) open mind - i love to debate and witty banter is such a turn on for me. but it's never fun if someone is never able to step outside their own opinions.
my dad possesses most of these qualities. in fact, i think a few of those come from him. pretty neat, huh? guess i don't need the $150 an hour psychologist after all.
i have always also relished the "us against the world" concept in marriage. i think it's because my parents came over to the US with very little, and built their whole life from scratch - together. maybe that's why i've never been atrracted to men that were born into wealth. i like the idea of a self-made man, again - much like my dad.
above and beyond that, i love the idea of being the woman behind the man. and of course, i hope it will be vice versa, as well. one of my favorite Oscar moments was when Kim Basinger won the Oscar for LA Confidential, the camera moved to focus on Alec Baldwin, and he was crying. i thought it was beautiful and it made me cry too. i guess it's just the idea that her success was that important to him.
it's an idea that i have always romanticized a lot. i just absolutely love the idea of being the one to push someone to achieve something they thought they couldn't. in some way, i know it's also a need in me to make a difference, to know that i have had a positive influence on the people that i love, to have affected someone else's life. and the idea that i could be the one to give a person the confidence to chase a dream - it's amazing.
so i guess the conclusion is really two fold, when trying to figure out our own relationship issues, maybe we should consider looking at our parents, and second - when raising children, always remember how your decisions, your choices can effect their future relationships.
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~C.G. Jung
i thought about my own parents. they're divorced. and until this day - i still can't fathom the idea of marriage. i love children, and can't wait to have kids - but the idea of marriage scares the hell out of me. more than anything, it's the idea of looking at someone and knowing that i want to wake up next to them every single day for the rest of my life. ok - i know that sounds horriblely cynical. but it makes me wonder - is it because my parents are divorced?
the actual divorce didn't really freak me out. i was 19 at the time, and i saw that my parents weren't happy together. i knew that it was the best decision for both of them. and even now, as i have been through enough relationships of my own - i see how it's important to move on sometimes. but what really freaked my out was that after 20 YEARS, they realized that they didn't want to be together. it makes me think about what happens in long term relationships.
when you're dating, you're learning about each other. as much as you may think you're in love at any given point, sometimes there are just things that you know you can't live with. also, timing is everything. but i would like to think that after about 5 years or so in a marriage - you have worked out all this. but then to wake up 20 years later and all of a sudden - you don't want it anymore. it's a scary thought to me. personally, the only relationships i have had that i trust in. . . are my friendships. they have lasted the test of time, and i have faith in them, sometimes even blind faith. so what is it that is so different in a romantic relationship? isn't your husband supposed to be your best friend? ok, i'll that will have to be another blog for another day.
now onto the next theory that we all want to marry people just like our parents. in my case. . totally true. you know how we're all supposed to have this elusive "list" of all the top things you are looking for? mine is simple (in my opinion), except that they are not in any particular order. . gotta work on that one
1) they absolutely have to have integrity, i can't be with anyone that has questionable principles.
2) someone with a strong sense of who they are (i've always been drawn to people who are "assholes" and it's because i love the idea that someone will say and do whatever they want, because they just don't care what other people think) now, i'm not saying i WANT an asshole - but i'd like to be with someone who really knows themselves, holds to their principles, and exudes self confidence.
3) ambition - and this means much more to me than just career goals. i want someone who embraces everything that life has to offer, someone who is constantly trying to learn and grow and improve.
4) someone with vision - i love people who can see possibilities in impossibilities. but that's where the ambition comes in, they can't just see it - they gotta be willing to get off their ass and make it happen.
5) loves life - playfulness is the key here. it's so important to be able to have fun together, to see the beauty and comedy in life. it's on my friendster - i want to be with someone who can appreciate the simple things in life - a sunset, a great bottle of wine, and light drizzle.
6) open mind - i love to debate and witty banter is such a turn on for me. but it's never fun if someone is never able to step outside their own opinions.
my dad possesses most of these qualities. in fact, i think a few of those come from him. pretty neat, huh? guess i don't need the $150 an hour psychologist after all.
i have always also relished the "us against the world" concept in marriage. i think it's because my parents came over to the US with very little, and built their whole life from scratch - together. maybe that's why i've never been atrracted to men that were born into wealth. i like the idea of a self-made man, again - much like my dad.
above and beyond that, i love the idea of being the woman behind the man. and of course, i hope it will be vice versa, as well. one of my favorite Oscar moments was when Kim Basinger won the Oscar for LA Confidential, the camera moved to focus on Alec Baldwin, and he was crying. i thought it was beautiful and it made me cry too. i guess it's just the idea that her success was that important to him.
it's an idea that i have always romanticized a lot. i just absolutely love the idea of being the one to push someone to achieve something they thought they couldn't. in some way, i know it's also a need in me to make a difference, to know that i have had a positive influence on the people that i love, to have affected someone else's life. and the idea that i could be the one to give a person the confidence to chase a dream - it's amazing.
so i guess the conclusion is really two fold, when trying to figure out our own relationship issues, maybe we should consider looking at our parents, and second - when raising children, always remember how your decisions, your choices can effect their future relationships.
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~C.G. Jung
posted by serena @ 4:50 PM
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