my trip to the optometrist

i went for my yearly optometry appointment 2 days ago. i'm usually not that good about going, but in this case, i broke my glasses... so i actually really needed to go. my boyfriend also made a comment that he thought i looked cute with glasses, so of course, i was thinking.... "sexy librarian?" (bing! light bulb)

anyhoo, this place i go to is practically an optometry factory. they have about 10 - 15 optometrists on site and see hundreds of people a day. they're even open until 8 pm. i get assigned a fairly young asian female doctor, who is SO nice and almost timid... but doesn't seem that bright. i'm a bit nervous, but after glancing at the wall - i see that she's got all kinds of degrees... that's got to mean something, right?

i have to take out my contacts, and all of a sudden, my whole world is a blur, literally. (my boyfriend once had a good laugh at my expense when he saw me trying to text message without my contacts or glasses... i had the cell phone almost touching my nose) well, she proceeds to give me an eye exam. oddly, she tests and checks for things that no one has ever checked for. is she being too thorough? or where my past visits not thorough enough?hmmmm....

imagine my horror, when she brings in the sample lens that basically layers all the lenses together to give them the formula for what i need. they were so heavy that i had to hold them with both hands. i put them on, and i see DOUBLE! i was like - WTF? she figures out that both eyes are not at the same level and that is causing the double vision (*huge sigh*). so after 10 minutes of trying different combinations of lenses, we get something that is workable.

then we move onto the dialation discussion. she says that she noticed that i checked the box saying that i didn't want dialation. i think, "am i losing my mind? i read the section twice and was positive that i checked the YES box" - she walks to a poster across the room, and starts to explain how our retina's can be stretched and cause damage. i am in shock. does she have no clue that i can't see anything that she is pointing out? HELLO!?!?! didn't she just figure out my prescription and realize that i'm half blind? so, i tell her. and embarrassed, she proceeds to explain it in more description sans the poster.

anyway, she tells me that the only way to really accurately read the condition of my retina would be to dialate. do i want it? i'm thinking.... "no, i'd really much rather NOT do it, so the reading will be inaccurate." i am feeling really nervous now.

she also asks me if i would be driving home. i was thinking, uh - "does she think i walked?" (okay, to be fair, i could have had a friend with me) i answered "yes" that i was driving. she thought about it for what felt like forever... and said, "i guess that's okay." now my heart is beating faster.... is my car insurance updated?

she puts the drops in my eyes and tells me to have a seat in the waiting area. again, she seems to have totally forgotten that i can't see. i somehow find a row of chairs and sit down. i'm immediately dying of boredom. i need constant stimulation... so i'm dying. i look toward the plasma screen TV, of course... i can't see a thing. i guess i could just listen to "war of the worlds? it worked for orsen wells.

i can't read a magazine. i can't text. it would be rude to talk on the phone in the waiting area. do i just sit here and stare into nothing? i opt to be rude and talk on the phone. of course, i have to hold the phone up to my nose to find my phonelist...

anyway, after what seemed like an hour (actually it was 10 minutes), i ask her if it's okay to put on my contacts now. she says that since i have color contacts, she won't be able to see. i tell her, "i don't have color contacts" to which she replies.. "are you sure?" i was flabberghasted. "uh, yah, i'm sure." SHE ACTUALLY GOES TO CHECK. and then discovers that i am correct. imagine that?

the rest was pretty painless. except that i was there so long that the eyeglass dept closed and i have to go back AGAIN.

so that's my story....

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. ~Voltaire (François Marie Arouet)

beautiful wedding quote

yes, like all women, i too have thought about that magical day when i commit myself to being with the same person for the rest of my life, happily ever after, blah, blah, blah...

this is an amazing quote from Kahlil Gibran that i would love to use in my ceremony:

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

insecurity

it's such a strange moment sometimes to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone very different than what you expected. to think that you know yourself, and then realize that you have so much more to learn.

i guess i've always thought that i somehow managed to transcend the layers of insecurity that plague everyone, especially women. i consider myself a pretty confident gal. sure i have the standard concerns. . . am i pretty? am i fat? is my butt too big? but otherwise, i'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, don't really concern myself too much with what people think or say about my behavior. so imagine my surprise, when - "yikes" i had an neurotic episode.

okay some background for ya. . . it's been over a year and half, and with the exception of one bizarre "meet for drinks" sort of date and an insanely crazy weekend in shanghai - my love life has been pretty voluntarily uneventful. i say voluntarily, b/c of course, i've had some opportunities, a lingering stare or a flirtation here and there, but to be honest - nothing that really lit my fire. so, i partied, watched a million movies, played poker and hung out with my plethora of male friends, and temporarily forgot that being in a relationship was even important.

valentine's day (yes - as cliche as it can be, but still appealling to the pitter patter of my heart), i had my first real date in a year and half (maybe more). we had dinner and *gasp* believe it or not, i let him pay. anyone who knows me, knows that this is one of the most freakin difficult things in the world for me. it's my own fierce resolve not to owe anyone anything, not to feel like the scales are tipped. for most of you, it's SUPPOSED to happen that way. for me, it involved some serious constraint. and this one act, as trivial as it may seem, speaks volumes for how much i am willing to be vulnerable to him. and i only did that because somone told be bluntly, if you offer to pay, you're saying that you just want to be friends. i DID not want this guy to think that.

anyway, great first date. good conversation. laughter. and a pretty damn good kiss to cap off the night. what else could i ask for, right?

so, then the internal drama begins. OH MY GOD, i've gone on a date, and i actually really like the guy. so, now what? we made plans to go out again after a long tumultuous weekend without a phone call, okay, so he was out of town. . . MAYBE, that could explain it (yes, i am being sarcastic with myself. the hysteria continutes). so as i'm preparing for date #2, i'm becoming anxious. not nervous, strange as it may be, just really anxious.

i'm a pretty self-reflective person. i try to understand why i do the things i do. i try to assess my own feelings, and after many wrong relationships, it's taken me a while to figure out what my own formula is for the "RIGHT" relationship. so after date #1, i knew i was in trouble. this was someone that was going to be hard to walk away from. i just knew it. all the right pieces were there. all the right things were said. we seemed to have the right mix of similarities and difference. he seemed confident, independent, strong, ahh... i could go on and on.

so after years of smothering relationships, i was terrified that i was helplessly walking into a jail cell. no more clubbing, losing touch with my guy friends, and *gasp* - no more poker. so i began to have this internal battle with myself. . i loved my life, my freedom, my independence, my lack of responsibility to anyone but myself. and i was 100% sure that i wasn't ready to give that up. so, should i even let this go further?

then i had to slap my own face. uh, hello?!?! you've been on ONE date. get a grip, right? haha. at least i can laugh at myself. but something about this guy was different. i had this sinking feeling that one of two things was going to happen . . 1) we were going to be like salt & pepper, peanut butter and jelly, cereal and milk, you get the point or 2) i was heading for heartbreak.

then, for no apparent reason, my brain finally decided to get involved, sort of tugged on my ponytail and said "uh, no one's asking you to give up anything yet." what a concept. . . . maybe i should. . . wait and see? DUH? right?

well, careful what you wish for. after years of controlling and possesive relationships - i finally met someone who is just as independent, if not more - than me. (angels sang) *sigh* but that would just be too easy, right? yes, because act 2, neurosis - my inner diva kicks in. wait, he doesn't want to see me 24/7? wait, he doesn't call me 3 times a day? oh my god? does he really like me? is he excited to see me? does he want to see me?

a while back, my friend recommended that i read "Mars and Venus On a Date." i actually read the first one "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." i know this stuff though. i know i know it. i have been surrounded by testosterone my whole life. i get the non phone call. i get the standoffish-ness. i totally understand a guy's need for his own time, interests, and the elusive "cave." i've lectured on it to many female friends, i've argued it even more. i know it all, so why did i suddenly turn into a pathetic, neurotic, insecure woman? (will pinching me wake me up?*sigh* i have become my own worst nightmare).

before i continue, i should state for the record that though this is a long ass blog, this whole neurotic moment took place within 48 hours, and i later realize that it was a symptom of severe PMS. (men, it is true. PMS makes women do crazy things) okay i can't blame it all on God's "amazing" gift to women.

the bottom line is that i do have insecurities. there, i said it, i typed it.

luckily, i had the fortune of a friend that convinced to me write, and so my fingers madly punched the keyboard at home until i managed to reveal to myself every fear i had about this potential relationship. and the sad thing was that it was so simple. . . i really liked this guy and i wanted him to like me too. just like with anything else, the more value we put on something, the more we are careful and conscientious to protect it. (more angels sang) crisis over.

i can't even begin to tell you how much i laughed when i read my own writing a few days later. i laughed so hard i almost pee'd on myself. i was reading the rantings of the very person i dreaded, avoided, despised. i had lost my inner goddess. okay, i'm being dramatic. but it wasn't fun to see my insecurities displayed for myself.

bottom line: i met someone that i like, someone that i can talk to, time often passes too fast when i'm with him, he laughs at my sarcasm, doesn't think i'm a total wierdo to hate George Bush, has his own interests, seems to want me to have mine, actually encourages me. . . am i crazy for being neurotic? absolutely. am i stupid for wasting time even thinking about all this? no, because i learned something about myself.

i learned that it's totally normal to feel insecure, to care about what someone else thinks, to not want to lose someone. but though these things are all very real, the feelings shouldn't define who i am or how i behave.

i learned that i'm not crazy. that confidence doesn't equal security. and the biggest lesson? as hard as this process can be, it's exciting too. the uncertainty, the fear, the anxiety, this is the fun part. if we get past it, the days of wine and roses will come. and if not, it doesn't necessarily mean that it was a quality or lack of one on my part or his. and i can safely guarantee that i will walk away knowing that i learned something about myself and more about what i want.

it's all a big puzzle. some people see the picture first. others organize the pieces. but ultimately, putting it together is what we all want and actually having the pieces fit is what creates the end result, right?

an epiphany. the fog has cleared. my natural zanax has kicked in. the end.

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. ~Louisa May Alcott

Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, there is no room for anything else. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

unfinished blogs

i hate to admit it, but i have over 10 incomplete blogs that need to be edited or finished. my first resolution? get them done.

poker and life (part 1 - "getting involved - aka: the buy in")

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I cherish the opportunity to become obsessed. I have gone through it with relationships (yikes! Did I really just admit that?) crafts, movies, video games and more recently – No Limit, Texas Hold’em.

“Poker is the game closest to the western conception of life, where life and thought are recognized as intimately combined, where free will prevails over philosophies of fate or of chance, where men are considered moral agents and where - at least in the short run - the important thing is not what happens but what people think happens.” (John Luckacs)

Okay – I know that it’s a bit dramatic, but once I sat down to think about it - The philosophies, theories and strategies of poker are applicable to many aspects of conventional living. Before I proceed, I have to clarify that I’m talking about No Limit Poker. The risks and rewards are far more intense than most other poker games.

The first decision you have to make in poker – do you want to play a cash game or a tournament? In a cash game, you have the option to continue playing even if you get taken out of the game. If you have the resources, you can continue to invest in the process for as long as you like, or until the game completely ends. Whereas in tournament play, once you lose – you’re done.

In life, it’s obvious that whenever we decide to start anything, the choices are quite similar, except that the investment is different – it could be your heart, your money or your time. So, what are these choices?

1) Don’t play
2) All or nothing
3) Gradual progress/loss

Okay – so the first option is not to play. I think that’s pretty self explanatory.

As for the tournament route (all or nothing), it involves a lot more liability, maneuvering, initial resources, and knowledge. Many of the general rules of thumb aren’t applicable in tournament play – because the further you get, the more aggressive you have to be, in order to win the game – having a big stack merely allows you more opportunities to gamble. If you’re not willing to take risks or try to outplay your opponents, most likely – you won’t end up at the final table. Most starting hands that you’re encouraged NOT to play in a cash game, HAVE to be played in a tournament.

Whenever you’re involved in any “all or nothing” situation, the intensity is usually pretty overwhelming. The little kiddie roller coaster of emotions you normally feel are multiplied and become that psychotic ride with the crazy twists and 90 degree drops. But, the payoff is usually big, if you win. Who hasn’t had one of those agonizing relationships where it’s either cloud nine or the depths of hell (the ones that you love but can’t live with)? What about that one business deal that you believed was a goldmine, but ended up being touch and go all the way? That big bet you made on a long shot? Regardless of the scenario – if you want a big payoff, you have to work for it, emotionally and physically.

The cash game is a different situation. Players have the luxury of learning as they go. So you got bluffed by Joe Blow, well – when you rebuy, guess who you’re going after? Or when you realized that someone called all the bets down to the river with a 10/6 offsuite for a gut shot straight draw? Again, you have the opportunity to learn from your mistakes, smoke a cigarette, down a shot and dive right back in. It’s like taking an entry level position for your dream job, investing in property in California, or dating in general. You work towards a goal, you win some and you lose some, but ultimately – you learn and earn along the way.

In both cases, the rules of the game are pretty much the same. You get the same number of cards, a royal flush is still the best hand, and you still have to wait your turn - but how you win is totally different. So the bottom line is that we each have a choice in how we like to play the game or how we choose to live our lives. Some people perform better under pressure and live for the adrenaline rush. Others prefer slow and steady, over a fast and bumpy ride. Either way, you can probably reach the destination - but again, it's your choice.

Industry executives and analysts often mistakenly talk about strategy as if it were some kind of chess match. But in chess, you have just two opponents, each with identical resources, and with luck playing a minimal role. The real world is much more like a poker game, with multiple players trying to make the best of whatever hand fortune has dealt them. ~David Moschella

shanghai

i got back from shanghai about a week and half ago. . . and really wanted to share my thoughts on it.

shanghai, is an amazing city - nothing like i expected. sure, i heard it was very developed, actually almost psycho- developed. seriously, it's like NYC except that the signs are all in chinese! nanjing lu, like times square. huai hai lu - low end park avenue.

there's just a tremendous amount of energy and movement there, almost like if you close your eyes for two seconds you'll miss something. so many people i know in LA want to move back there, i thought that they were crazy - but now i get it. i had dinner with someone that had moved to shanghai from sf and commented that his mom thought he was nuts - and said that our parent's generation left china to give their kids better opportunities, now our generation is heading back to china for better opportunities. irony at its best, i guess.

it seems that starting about maybe 5 - 10 years ago, shanghai went through this uber rapid development - so much so that i believe that they outgrew their infrastructure, which i think will be a problem eventually. my grandmother lives in pudong, which is across the river from shanghai, and i was told that it was still very rural only 15 years ago! now it's going to host some world expo - crazy, isn't it?

basically, shanghai is trying to establish itself along side Hong Kong, an amazing feat - but seems doable, and almost done. the saddest part of all this is that when you're there, you can't really figure out what's really chinese about it all. when you walk the backstreets, like in the French Concession or Old Town part of the city, you can still see the old historical buildings. but in most of the city, everything's been torn down, and rebuilt on models of architecturally modern and very western styles. economically and developmentally, it's great, right? but i couldn't help but wonder what the ultimate costs will be. i hear that buildings aren't built up to code, that certain policies and procedures to protect the people are still very lacking. i guess i keep forgetting it's still a communist country. i just felt that the city didn't have a culture or style of its own any longer. very sad, in my opinion. except for the traditional principles, etiquette and mannerisms of the chinese and the fact that most residents still don't believe in using a dryer to dry their clothes, most of what was physically chinese about shanghai is slowly dissappearing.

prices for everything are cheap - maybe just a bit more that in Vietnam. food was good. i love shanghai-nese food - so i was in heaven. those damn dumplings and sweat rice things wrapped in banana leaves were my daily snacks! shopping was cool, though i'm not much of a shopper to begin with. my staff was ecstatic when i brought back the purse and wallet knock offs for them - they wouldn't even beleive it when i told him that fake gucci purses cost less than $10.

besides the city itself - it was a very special trip for me because i had the chance to spend time with my grandmother, the one that raised me when my parents first came to the US - amazing woman. even better, i was learning so much about the history of my family. both sides of my family were originally from Shanghai. in fact, my grandfather on my mother's side was actually a general in the army under Chiang Kai Shek. my mom's family was one of the first families to move to taiwan. i also met my grandfather's brother's family. apparantly, because my grandfather took off to taiwan, his brother was held captive in a prison to try to persuade my grandfather to return to china, and he actually died while in captivity. how touching it was to meet his children and grandchildren.

the real reason for the trip was my grandmother's 90th birthday. besides my mom - my uncle, aunt and cousin were all there. they took this opportunity to do a bit of a ceremony as well. my grandfather is actually buried in taiwan, but my family wanted to somehow bring him to shanghai, where is brother and mom are buried. so they actually bought a plot in a beautiful cemetary and he's only feet away from them. it was actually really strange. i had not thought of my grandfather in years - but being there was so overwhelming, i couldn't stop crying. i have been begging my mom's side of the family to collect all his journals and have them translated so that future generations of our family will know him and what he did.

so, the first part of the week - i was consumed with family events - dinners, lunches, etc. a friend from LA did hook me up with this girl who lives in shanghai - and she took me and another "friend of a friend" to this hollywood- style afterparty for the Formula One race. it was fully catered by "Laris," which is apparantly one of the top restaurants in shanghai, and sponsored by red bull. it was pretty freaking flashy- they actually built a small village made of bamboo and hung red lanterns everywhere - just for this party. the icing? the party was across the river from shanghai, so we actually had a view of the infamous "bund" with all the lights. . . . a memorable picture, trust me.

it wasn't until thursday that i finally had a chance to really get out again. and that last weekend was a blur. i was damn lucky. my friend's friend also knew other people in town, who knew people i knew, etc. so there was about 6 of us that partied together friday and saturday. it was just me and the boys on thursday - something i'm used to anyway, as most of you know. it was so much fun. we were out until 4 or 5am every night. i didn't even make it back to my grandmother's until almost noon on both days. it was crazy fun.

what really made the trip super special for me, was that this group of people i met were so cool. i never thought i'd go to shanghai and meet people that i liked that much. everyone was so friendly, engaging, and just letting go and enjoying themselves. trust me, i am going to do my best to keep in touch with these people.

the guys reveled in the agressive local women, no they were not all "working girls," but damn were they persistent. one time, i turned around to put down a drink, and one the guys i was talking to, was already approached by two women! it's almost the total polar opposite of the LA club scene!

and though i had no real plans, the week ended up being such a great collection of memories. and i was so glad that i didn't waste too much time on the touristy stuff. walking the back streets, checking out the old markets and just sort of going with the flow was great! my only regret was that i didn't get to take enough pictures.

i have so much more to write about, but this will have to do for now.

"what you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do - especially in other people's minds. when you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. people don't have your past to hold against you. no yesterdays on the road." (William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways)

"travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime." (Mark Twain)
more later. . . .

transcript of Keith Olberman's commentary on MSNBC

SECAUCUS — Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said it all, starting his news briefing Saturday afternoon: “Louisiana is a city that is largely underwater…”

Well there’s your problem right there.

If ever a slip-of-the-tongue defined a government’s response to a crisis, this was it. The seeming definition of our time and our leaders had been their insistence on slashing federal budgets for projects that might’ve saved New Orleans. The seeming characterization of our government that it was on vacation when the city was lost, and could barely tear itself away from commemorating V.J. Day and watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus, to at least pretend to get back to work. The seeming identification of these hapless bureaucrats: their pathetic use of the future tense in terms of relief they could’ve brought last Monday and Tuesday — like the President, whose statements have looked like they’re being transmitted to us by some kind of four-day tape-delay.

But no. The incompetence and the ludicrous prioritization will forever be symbolized by one gaffe by of the head of what is ironically called “The Department of Homeland Security”: “Louisiana is a city…”

Politician after politician — Republican and Democrat alike — has paraded before us, unwilling or unable to shut off the “I-Me” switch in their heads, condescendingly telling us about how moved they were or how devastated they were — congenitally incapable of telling the difference between the destruction of a city and the opening of a supermarket.

And as that sorry recital of self-absorption dragged on, I have resisted editorial comment. The focus needed to be on the efforts to save the stranded — even the internet’s meager powers were correctly devoted to telling the stories of the twin disasters, natural… and government-made.
But now, at least, it is has stopped getting exponentially worse in Mississippi and Alabama and New Orleans and Louisiana (the state, not the city). And, having given our leaders what we know now is the week or so they need to get their act together, that period of editorial silence I mentioned, should come to an end.

No one is suggesting that mayors or governors in the afflicted areas, nor the federal government, should be able to stop hurricanes. Lord knows, no one is suggesting that we should ever prioritize levee improvement for a below-sea-level city, ahead of $454 million worth of trophy bridges for the politicians of Alaska.

But, nationally, these are leaders who won re-election last year largely by portraying their opponents as incapable of keeping the country safe. These are leaders who regularly pressure the news media in this country to report the reopening of a school or a power station in Iraq, and defies its citizens not to stand up and cheer. Yet they couldn’t even keep one school or power station from being devastated by infrastructure collapse in New Orleans — even though the government had heard all the “chatter” from the scientists and city planners and hurricane centers and some group whose purposes the government couldn’t quite discern… a group called The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

And most chillingly of all, this is the Law and Order and Terror government. It promised protection — or at least amelioration — against all threats: conventional, radiological, or biological.

It has just proved that it cannot save its citizens from a biological weapon called standing water.

Mr. Bush has now twice insisted that, “we are not satisfied,” with the response to the manifold tragedies along the Gulf Coast. I wonder which “we” he thinks he’s speaking for on this point. Perhaps it’s the administration, although we still don’t know where some of them are. Anybody seen the Vice President lately? The man whose message this time last year was, ‘I’ll Protect You, The Other Guy Will Let You Die’?

I don’t know which ‘we’ Mr. Bush meant.

For many of this country’s citizens, the mantra has been — as we were taught in Social Studies it should always be — whether or not I voted for this President — he is still my President. I suspect anybody who had to give him that benefit of the doubt stopped doing so last week. I suspect a lot of his supporters, looking ahead to ‘08, are wondering how they can distance themselves from the two words which will define his government — our government — “New Orleans.”

For him, it is a shame — in all senses of the word. A few changes of pronouns in there, and he might not have looked so much like a 21st Century Marie Antoinette. All that was needed was just a quick “I’m not satisfied with my government’s response.” Instead of hiding behind phrases like “no one could have foreseen,” had he only remembered Winston Churchill’s quote from the 1930’s. “The responsibility,” of government, Churchill told the British Parliament “for the public safety is absolute and requires no mandate. It is in fact, the prime object for which governments come into existence.”

In forgetting that, the current administration did not merely damage itself — it damaged our confidence in our ability to rely on whoever is in the White House.

As we emphasized to you here all last week, the realities of the region are such that New Orleans is going to be largely uninhabitable for a lot longer than anybody is yet willing to recognize. Lord knows when the last body will be found, or the last artifact of the levee break, dug up. Could be next March. Could be 2100. By then, in the muck and toxic mire of New Orleans, they may even find our government’s credibility.

Somewhere, in the City of Louisiana.