insecurity

it's such a strange moment sometimes to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone very different than what you expected. to think that you know yourself, and then realize that you have so much more to learn.

i guess i've always thought that i somehow managed to transcend the layers of insecurity that plague everyone, especially women. i consider myself a pretty confident gal. sure i have the standard concerns. . . am i pretty? am i fat? is my butt too big? but otherwise, i'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, don't really concern myself too much with what people think or say about my behavior. so imagine my surprise, when - "yikes" i had an neurotic episode.

okay some background for ya. . . it's been over a year and half, and with the exception of one bizarre "meet for drinks" sort of date and an insanely crazy weekend in shanghai - my love life has been pretty voluntarily uneventful. i say voluntarily, b/c of course, i've had some opportunities, a lingering stare or a flirtation here and there, but to be honest - nothing that really lit my fire. so, i partied, watched a million movies, played poker and hung out with my plethora of male friends, and temporarily forgot that being in a relationship was even important.

valentine's day (yes - as cliche as it can be, but still appealling to the pitter patter of my heart), i had my first real date in a year and half (maybe more). we had dinner and *gasp* believe it or not, i let him pay. anyone who knows me, knows that this is one of the most freakin difficult things in the world for me. it's my own fierce resolve not to owe anyone anything, not to feel like the scales are tipped. for most of you, it's SUPPOSED to happen that way. for me, it involved some serious constraint. and this one act, as trivial as it may seem, speaks volumes for how much i am willing to be vulnerable to him. and i only did that because somone told be bluntly, if you offer to pay, you're saying that you just want to be friends. i DID not want this guy to think that.

anyway, great first date. good conversation. laughter. and a pretty damn good kiss to cap off the night. what else could i ask for, right?

so, then the internal drama begins. OH MY GOD, i've gone on a date, and i actually really like the guy. so, now what? we made plans to go out again after a long tumultuous weekend without a phone call, okay, so he was out of town. . . MAYBE, that could explain it (yes, i am being sarcastic with myself. the hysteria continutes). so as i'm preparing for date #2, i'm becoming anxious. not nervous, strange as it may be, just really anxious.

i'm a pretty self-reflective person. i try to understand why i do the things i do. i try to assess my own feelings, and after many wrong relationships, it's taken me a while to figure out what my own formula is for the "RIGHT" relationship. so after date #1, i knew i was in trouble. this was someone that was going to be hard to walk away from. i just knew it. all the right pieces were there. all the right things were said. we seemed to have the right mix of similarities and difference. he seemed confident, independent, strong, ahh... i could go on and on.

so after years of smothering relationships, i was terrified that i was helplessly walking into a jail cell. no more clubbing, losing touch with my guy friends, and *gasp* - no more poker. so i began to have this internal battle with myself. . i loved my life, my freedom, my independence, my lack of responsibility to anyone but myself. and i was 100% sure that i wasn't ready to give that up. so, should i even let this go further?

then i had to slap my own face. uh, hello?!?! you've been on ONE date. get a grip, right? haha. at least i can laugh at myself. but something about this guy was different. i had this sinking feeling that one of two things was going to happen . . 1) we were going to be like salt & pepper, peanut butter and jelly, cereal and milk, you get the point or 2) i was heading for heartbreak.

then, for no apparent reason, my brain finally decided to get involved, sort of tugged on my ponytail and said "uh, no one's asking you to give up anything yet." what a concept. . . . maybe i should. . . wait and see? DUH? right?

well, careful what you wish for. after years of controlling and possesive relationships - i finally met someone who is just as independent, if not more - than me. (angels sang) *sigh* but that would just be too easy, right? yes, because act 2, neurosis - my inner diva kicks in. wait, he doesn't want to see me 24/7? wait, he doesn't call me 3 times a day? oh my god? does he really like me? is he excited to see me? does he want to see me?

a while back, my friend recommended that i read "Mars and Venus On a Date." i actually read the first one "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." i know this stuff though. i know i know it. i have been surrounded by testosterone my whole life. i get the non phone call. i get the standoffish-ness. i totally understand a guy's need for his own time, interests, and the elusive "cave." i've lectured on it to many female friends, i've argued it even more. i know it all, so why did i suddenly turn into a pathetic, neurotic, insecure woman? (will pinching me wake me up?*sigh* i have become my own worst nightmare).

before i continue, i should state for the record that though this is a long ass blog, this whole neurotic moment took place within 48 hours, and i later realize that it was a symptom of severe PMS. (men, it is true. PMS makes women do crazy things) okay i can't blame it all on God's "amazing" gift to women.

the bottom line is that i do have insecurities. there, i said it, i typed it.

luckily, i had the fortune of a friend that convinced to me write, and so my fingers madly punched the keyboard at home until i managed to reveal to myself every fear i had about this potential relationship. and the sad thing was that it was so simple. . . i really liked this guy and i wanted him to like me too. just like with anything else, the more value we put on something, the more we are careful and conscientious to protect it. (more angels sang) crisis over.

i can't even begin to tell you how much i laughed when i read my own writing a few days later. i laughed so hard i almost pee'd on myself. i was reading the rantings of the very person i dreaded, avoided, despised. i had lost my inner goddess. okay, i'm being dramatic. but it wasn't fun to see my insecurities displayed for myself.

bottom line: i met someone that i like, someone that i can talk to, time often passes too fast when i'm with him, he laughs at my sarcasm, doesn't think i'm a total wierdo to hate George Bush, has his own interests, seems to want me to have mine, actually encourages me. . . am i crazy for being neurotic? absolutely. am i stupid for wasting time even thinking about all this? no, because i learned something about myself.

i learned that it's totally normal to feel insecure, to care about what someone else thinks, to not want to lose someone. but though these things are all very real, the feelings shouldn't define who i am or how i behave.

i learned that i'm not crazy. that confidence doesn't equal security. and the biggest lesson? as hard as this process can be, it's exciting too. the uncertainty, the fear, the anxiety, this is the fun part. if we get past it, the days of wine and roses will come. and if not, it doesn't necessarily mean that it was a quality or lack of one on my part or his. and i can safely guarantee that i will walk away knowing that i learned something about myself and more about what i want.

it's all a big puzzle. some people see the picture first. others organize the pieces. but ultimately, putting it together is what we all want and actually having the pieces fit is what creates the end result, right?

an epiphany. the fog has cleared. my natural zanax has kicked in. the end.

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. ~Louisa May Alcott

Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, there is no room for anything else. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross